


Silence

by Gamzee_the_Capricious



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Murder, Mutilation, Nook Fingering (Homestuck), Seizures, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gamzee_the_Capricious/pseuds/Gamzee_the_Capricious
Summary: Homestuck AU where game never happened. Gamzee and the troll squad decide to go to Earth to join the first troll/human university. Plus they get to hang out with their human pals, fun! Except, the university won’t accept Gamzee unless he takes steps to get clean, aka off the sopor. Some things go not great for Gamzee, but then it gets better, then worse again.
Relationships: Aradia Megido/Equius Zahhak, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Dave Strider, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Nepeta Leijon & Equius Zahhak, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor & Feferi Peixes, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Gamzee Makara and today you are attending a human school with all your friends, human and otherwise. Of course like all trolls you already had all necessary information kind of like miraculously inputted in your head from the schoolfeed. However this school was human and although the trolls have shared their knowledge and technology with the humans they still wanted to do things old school. Didn’t matter much to you of course, you rather liked humans and of course where your friends go you wanted to go too. Especially your best bro and moirail Karkat Vantas. You’re not sure you could live without his constant yet adorable nagging. In fact he was currently doing just that you realize focusing back in the now.

“Gamzee are you fucking listening to me you addle panned bulge sucker!” 

You smile lazily thinking he is really motherfucking cute when he is angry. He rambles on some more half-assed insults before he gets to the point. 

“Like I was fucking saying before you got lost in the damn clouds or whatever, we are in room 218 with Tavros, Dave, you, and me of course. Here is your fucking key and I swear to god if you lose this I’m going to flip my shit.”

You will probably lose it. Luckily you have a sweet little moirail who shares a room with you so you can pester him if you lose it. He will rant and rave of course but that just adds to his charm you think. 

“Will try my best motherfucking best bro. You know I be all up and losing shit sometimes.”

He rolls his eyes and huffs. You catch a glimpse of his miraculously red eyes and you wonder what it would be like to paint with his bl– no, no, no. Not going to finish that thought. You wince as a sharp pain shoots through your head. You’ve been having a rough few days. You are currently in the process of getting off sopor slime due to the fact that 1. It was required to attend the school, and 2. Karkat has been really insistent about it. Still, you were not enjoying the withdrawal symptoms. Karkat looks at you with concern noticing you wince.

“You doing ok?”

You nod and immediately wince again as that made your head pound. “Yea- well, kinda? Motherfucking I feel like my pan gon all up and explode but uh, s’pose it won’t do that so I’m probably ok?” 

You don’t sound very sure. Karkat nods slowly concern still lighting up his eyes but he doesn’t comment. He just grabs your arm and starts guiding you towards the dorm hive– building you guess you should call it. The building itself wasn’t super interesting you thought, a bland red bricked structure with glass doors, and windows lined symmetrically up the building. Karkat starts rambling about the room being on the second floor but you aren’t really listening. When you enter the building there are a bunch of trolls and humans crowding the elevator, you are surprised that some of the humans have so much stuff. You and Karkat have a rolling suitcase each full of your stuff. Of course you do have some things captchalogged. Mainly just a bunch of horns you couldn’t fit in your bag, and of course your clubs. Can’t go anywhere without them!

Not interested in waiting for the elevator you lift Karkat’s and your bag and head up the stairs. Despite being essentially skin and bones due to bad eating habits you do have a substantial amount of strength as is typical of higher blood castes. Karkat follows you up the stairs grumbling about being able to carry his own bag but you ignore him, you love helping a bro out. After reaching the second floor Karkat grabs his bag again and leads the way to the room. It will likely take you quite a few times before you remember how to get to the room. Karkat unlocks and opens the door to the dorm room and you guys head in. Looking around you can see that the first area you walk into is a lounge on one side with a kitchen on the other, definitely cozy. Past that is the bedroom area with two sets of bunk beds one on either side, a window in between. There is also two wardrobe looking things next to the beds, guess you gotta share clothing space with your bunkmate. Not really a problem for you though, only got a few outfits as is. 

Looking around you realize you and Karkat are the first here. Guess you get first choice on which bunk. You head to the right side bunk and start pulling your bedding out of your suitcase haphazardly throwing it all on the top bunk. You know that Tavros will be on your side and he has a bit of a thing with being up high. You don’t mind though. After much insistence from Karkat you put your clothing away with a little more care. Looking over you see he has claimed the bottom bunk of the bunk bed on the left. While he also wasn’t the neatest troll he still took more care making up the bed than you did. 

While you are filling the fridge with Faygo the door opens and Dave walks in. He looks over at you, your not exactly sure what expression he is making because of his shades. All you know is that no one is going to make you part with the faygo. He continues on into the bedroom to set his stuff up and you shake your head trying to shake off your sudden bout of irritability. It is not like you to be so volatile over little things you think. Though, you don’t really know what you are like when you aren’t consistently high. You hope the trend doesn’t continue, it kinda puts off your friendly clown persona. You focus back into reality when you hear Karkat raising his voice in the bedroom. 

“Strider for the love of a probing cretin you are NOT going to just leave those shitty fucking swords around!”

You poke your head into the room. “What?? He gets to have swords but I can’t make a horn pile?”

Karkat makes a frustrated sound. “Neither of you are leaving any of this shit around you fucking idiots!” 

You and Dave look at each other and you roll your eyes, you assume he does the same. Either way Dave recaptchalogs his shitty swords to appease Karkat. You would/did do the same. While you love Karkat his rants about it wouldn’t be worth the effort. He could go on for hours, you’ve definitely been on the receiving end of one such rant. Dave goes on to set up the rest of his stuff, he also brought a TV and gaming systems for the lounge. You are not very good at games, being high 24/7 isn’t very great for certain types of games. Karkat perks up when Dave mentions you can play movies on the gaming systems too. He sure loves his romcoms. 

You are about to tell Karkat that you are going to look for Tavros when he suddenly comes in looking quite disheveled.

“Whoa bro, what motherfuckin happened to get you all mussed up?” You can’t help but to be concerned for him, you have quite the flush crush on him. 

“U-uh yeah, just uh, fell down the stairs.. Twice.” He blushes embarrassed. He’s quite the clumsy motherfucker.

Dave mutters under his breath. “Told you about the stairs bro.” 

You’re not sure what that means but you are too focused on Tavros to care. You pick up his bags and carry them into the bedroom as he follows. You point out the bunk under yours as his. He smiles quite motherfucking adorably before he grabs his bags from you and starts unpacking. You can’t help but to watch him fondly as he sets up his bed. After making the bed he starts placing cute plushies on the bed. You smile a bit feeling your blood pusher melt even more for him. Karkat and Dave kind of give Tavros a look that makes you want to snarl at them. You close your eyes and count to ten, gotta get this anger shit under wraps. When you open your eyes Karkat is looking at you with a slightly confused expression, you smile at him to let him know you are just fine. Except of course your thinkpan kind of explodes with pain and you hiss gripping your head. 

“Motherfuck!”

You don’t remember sitting on the floor but there you are when you open your eyes. Karkat is crouched in front of you looking worried.

“Hey dumbfuck, you okay? Do you need something to help with the headache?”

You nod unable to speak as another strike of pain lances through your head. This is not how you wanted today to go. In fact you really weren’t expecting the whole withdrawal thing in general. You were under the impression it would be really simple. Not true at motherfucking all. You feel like a whole perigee has passed by the time Karkat returns with some pain killers and water. You eagerly swallow that shit up. 

“Maybe you should lie down dude.” 

You glare at Dave, your not sure why but his advice just pissed you off. He just shrugs nonchalantly and it pisses you off more. Before you say something stupid Karkat is shooshpapping you and you forget why you were angry. 

“Yeah you really should uh, take a break Gamzee.” Tavros stutters in that cute way of his. 

There is no way you can say no to that so you somewhat reluctantly climb up to your bed and burrow into your blankets with a sigh. Surprisingly you fall asleep.

You wake up a few hours later due to the fact that Karkat was shaking you and shouting in that way that he does.

“Wake the fuck up Gamzee. We are going to get lunch and I am not leaving you behind you malnourished fuck. Also if I have to listen to your snoring any longer I’m going to bash my brains out.” 

You grumble an apology still not quite fully awake. You really just want to go back to sleep but Karkat keeps insisting until you sit up. You yawn and hear a commotion coming from the lounge room. You assume all of your other friends have arrived and they are probably impatiently waiting on you. Karkat huffs as you take your time moving to climb down but suddenly you feel kind of dizzy and next thing you know you are on the floor. You groan in pain, you must have accidentally lurched to far forward when you got dizzy. You realize Karkat is talking to you sounding exasperated. 

“Well I hope that fucking woke you up. Why the fuck did you do that you prickish douchey waste of space!?”

“I assure you it was not on motherfuckin purpose, I got all sorts of dizzy.”

You mumble all of this while facedown on the floor, somehow Karkat hears all of it. 

“Probably because you haven’t eaten properly, well hurry up and get up so we can leave.” 

You manage to get yourself up and follow Karkat into the lounge. You see all of your friends kind of crammed all up in the room all talking and chattering. It kind of makes your head hurt again. Part of you wishes you could just rip out all of their ton– not again. You gotta get that under control. No way could you ever hurt your friends. Vriska looks over at you. 

“Wow Makara you look like shit.”

“Wow really?” You reply sarcastically. 

Vriska looks taken aback at that. Not everyone knew that you were going sober so she probably assumed you were still doped up. 

“Uh, okay, wow, not what I was expecting you to say. Are you sober for once?” She comments. 

You nod tiredly, “and I’m gonna stay that way, sorry if I act all motherfuckin weird, not exactly used to this.”

She shrugs and nods, you assume that means she understands. You take a deep breath and try to think positively. You are not going to be any fun if you keep being such a grump. 

“Alright you shitfucking bitching wrigglerfucks, lets fucking go, I’m hungry and I am not going to wait on you any longer.” 

You smile at Karkat’s weird insult, he can be quite creative. You and the rest of the crew start following Karkat, some such as Vriska and Eridan complain about letting Karkat take the lead. They don’t really do anything though. You slow down to walk beside Tavros towards the back of the group. 

“Sorry about earlier Tavbro.”

“It’s uh, no problem Gam.” He smiles up at you. 

You can’t help but blush a bit. God that smile makes you weak in the knees. You look away and quickly change the subject. 

“Uh so are you excited to motherfuckin start classes and such?” 

He nods. “Yeah uh, It will be interesting to see how humans learn. It’s so unfamiliar.” 

You nod in agreement. Though honestly you only came to this school, well, university apparently. You are not quite sure about school progression as you never had experience with it. But here you are taking essentially ‘Human Studies’. The reason most of your friends are taking is so that they can have an easier time at working on Earth and understanding human customs. You are just in it for the ride, following your friends as you tend to do. You never really thought that hard about the future before. I mean just a sweep ago your path had been chosen for you. Like all purple bloods your destiny was to be a subjuggulator. I mean if you weren’t culled for you addiction by then. But since Feferi became the reigning empress everything changed. Of course she was still here going to school with you, as empress her word is law so it’s not as though she has to do paperwork or anything really. She gets special treatment here of course but she just wants to be like everyone else still. 

You realize you have been lost in thought for a while and you glance over at Tavros. He was studying your face, a slight blush on his own but when you look at him he quickly looks away. You’re not sure what that was all about. Either way it looks like you guys have come to a stop at one of the ‘cafeterias’ as the humans call it. There are a few on the campus with different options at each apparently. You don’t particularly care, you don’t have much interest in food. For some reason everything tastes dull and unappetizing when compared to the sopor you used to consume. 

“Hey Gamzee, go save us a table.” Karkat says. 

You nod and oblige while everyone else goes to grab food. Karkat has been the one who picks out and decides what you eat. You have a hard time when it comes to choosing what to eat. You know you can’t rely on him forever but he seems to enjoy doing it at the moment. He likes to bring you a variety of food items to see if you will find one that you actually like. Maybe it’s like a challenge for him. You may also one day get more used to real food. Maybe even enjoy it. But right now you just try your best. After a few minutes your friends start to return to populate the table with their variety of food items. Some are familiar to you while others are not. This school has both common troll food items and human food items. Karkat comes to the table last carrying food for himself and for you. Karkat appears to have picked out a simple hamburger fry combo, something that Dave has mentioned before. Karkat tosses you a couple of granola bars, some water, and also a bowl of what you assume is some sort of human dessert. 

“Here.” He points to the bowl. “It’s called Apple pie, Dave suggested it.” 

You go ahead and open one of the granola bars and start eating it, you try not to notice some of your friends looking at you with what you assume is pity. You hope they get over it soon, your not one to enjoy anyone’s pity spheres upon you. You finish the first granola bar relatively quickly and start on the second. When you bite into it you are quite surprised, It actually kind of tastes like something. Karkat notices your reaction.

“Oh, do you actually like one of them? That one has uh..” He leans over to read the label. “Peanut butter. I’ll keep that in mind, do you actually like it?”

“Yeah, I think so? Kind of motherfuckin surprised me really. It’s better than not tasting anything.”

Karkat looks pleased at that. While you finish the bar you kind of just listen to the chattering of your friends. You think it is quite pleasant that everyone is together and getting along. Sometimes it used to be a bit dicey between some of your friends but you think meeting Dave, John, Rose, and Jade really helped bring everyone together in a more healthy way. Karkat pauses his conversation with John and hands you one of his fries. You take it of course and pop it in your mouth. Doesn’t taste like anything. Looking at Karkat he’s back to talking with John. Sometimes you kinda feel a bit like a barkbeast with Karkat just randomly giving you pieces of his food. Oh well. You turn now to the bowl of this, ‘apple pie’ shit. It looks like some goop spilling out of flimsy pastry. You take a very tiny bite out of it. The gooeyness of it kind of reminds you of your favored slime but without the taste. It does have a slight taste to it but your not sure if you like it or not. Either way you are not one to waste shit so you go ahead and eat the rest of it.

You open up the water and take a sip of it before reaching into your pocket and pulling out some pills. They are essentially ‘sopor pills’. It is what you are using to slowly wean yourself off of sopor. It doesn’t really give you the high you would like but it still definitely chills you the fuck out. You pop two pills in your mouth and take a swig of the water. Afterwards you put the pill bottle back into your pocket all safe like. It wouldn’t bode well for you to lose those. Karkat hands you a couple more fries that presumably he doesn’t want. You know you probably should refuse them honestly but you don’t. You can’t eat too much or it all comes right back up but you don’t think you’ve quite reached that threshold. Or at least you hope you haven’t. Some days are better than others but that is the reason you are very thin these days. You’ve always been on the skinny side but you’ve really had a hard time keeping weight on you now. But as Karkat says, it’s a work in progress. 

It takes you only a few more minutes before you realize you’ve fucked up. You feel the telltale signs that you are about to hurl your guts up. You jolt out of your chair and hastily head to the nearest ablution block, er, bathroom. Karkat curses behind you back at the table. You really hope he doesn’t follow you. You only barely make it into a stall before you are puking your lunch right back up into the toilet. You are glad you at least made it into the bathroom, would have been really shitty if you puked in front of all your friends. Especially Tavros, you would rather he didn’t see you like this. You hear someone come into the bathroom, unsurprisingly you hear Karkat.

“Gamzee? Are you ok?”

“Just peachy my invertebrother.” You sound the opposite of ‘just peachy’. 

You flush the toilet and just sit there for a little bit, just in case you have anything else left in you to puke up. Karkat patiently waits for you like the good moirail that he is. Once you are confident you won’t puke anymore you stand up and exit the stall. You see Karkat looking at you all concerned like. You immediately head to the sink to rinse out your mouth. When you look up into the mirror you see how you look. You look very haggard, your hair is a bit of a mess, you have bags under your eyes, and your clown makeup is all smeared and messed up now. You sigh and decide you ought to just clean the rest of the makeup off your face. You didn’t bring any white paint with you. When you clean off the makeup you feel almost naked. You are not used to being without it, especially in public. Your face looks foreign to you, it makes you feel a little uneasy. You turn back to Karkat. 

“You know you don’t look half bad without the whole clown getup right?”

“…makes me feel weird without it though. It’s like, motherfuckin me ya know?”

“No, I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever understand your weird clown religion or customs. Let’s just get on back to everyone ok?”

“…actually are you ok if I just head back to the room? Not really feeling like seein any motherfuckers right now.”

“Oh, yeah Gamzee that’s fine. I get it.” he looks at you sympathetically. “Do you want me to come with you?”

You are about to say no but then, you really don’t want to be alone either. Plus you are not sure you can make your way back. “Uh, yeah if that is ok, don’t mean to fuck up your plans or anything.”

“Gamzee, you insufferable fucking douchecrumpet, you are a little more important then the rest of those dipshits.”

You smile a little at that. Karkat is very good at making you feel better. He takes you back to your guys’ dorm room thankfully avoiding notice of your friends. You sit on his bed while he grabs you another water from the fridge. Your throat feels raw so you happily drink the water, the cool fluid soothing your throat a bit. Karkat gestures for you to lie down and you obey. He lies next to you wrapping his arms around you. For being so prickly Karkat is actually a huge snuggler. He starts making a sound reminiscent to a purrbeast purring. It’s an instinctive calming mechanism which automatically soothes you. So much so that you start to drift off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

A week passes before you know it. Luckily for you you have had no incidents since then and have been feeling pretty good. You have one more week before classes start and Karkat has been nagging at you to go get the supplies you will need. You decide that today is the day you will finally do as he asks. Unfortunately he had things to do today so you will just have to go out on your own. What could go wrong? 

You get ready in the community bathroom that you share with one other room, the one John, Eridan, Equis, and Sollux share. You were just getting out of one of the showers in the shower block, towel wrapped around your waist when Dave walks in. He is shirtless wearing only some red boxers. You notice that he has twin scars on his chest. You figure you’d best not ask about it,some people don’t like to be reminded of their scars. You wave at him awkwardly, you are not really used to this community bathroom thing. He yawns and half heartedly waves back, he looks like he just got up. You head into one of the small curtained dressing rooms and get dressed. After completing the rest of your morning routine you decide it is time to head out. 

You exit the dorm building, you have essentially two options to get supplies at. There was an on-campus store or you could go into the city to buy supplies. You really would like to get out and explore a little so you decide you want to go out into the city. You pull out your phone and look for nearby stores you should go to. Luckily there is a store not to far out, it would take you longer to get to than the on-campus store but whatever. Not like you have anything else to do. And so you head out, walking leisurely off to the city. 

You follow your phone’s directions for a few blocks. You notice that you are getting a few stares, you guess that not a lot of trolls venture off of campus so the humans may not be used to seeing you. It doesn’t really bother you too much though. Your phone directs you through an alleyway. It kind of looks a little sketchy to you but you aren’t one to be too cautious. Besides, you are from a very violent planet, not much can really take you down. And so you head down the alley. 

As you head on you were paying more attention to your phone than your surroundings. You hear people in front of you and look up to see two humans holding knives up towards you. You are not too concerned, by all means you are considerably stronger than two humans. You decaptchalogue one of your clubs and give the humans a very bored look. You are hoping to just intimidate them so you don’t have to hurt anyone. They don’t seem perturbed so you take a step towards them then suddenly there is a loud crack and a sharp pain in your skull and everything goes black. 

You don’t know how long you have been out but when you come to you are pissed. Your head throbs painfully and when you touch the back of your head your hand comes away with blood on it. Not ideal. You look around and the humans are nowhere to be seen. You quickly check your pockets. You find your room key and sigh with relief, Karkat would have killed you if you lost that. You freeze though, your sopor pills, they are gone. You groan and curse under your breath, you wouldn’t have cared if they stole money but of course they had to steal your pills. It would be days before you could get any more. Very shitty days. You decide that you best not go to the store with your head bleeding as it was, guess you have to go back and tell Karkat the bad news. You mutter a few more vulgarities under your breath before you get up and head back. 

“What the fuck Gamzee!” Just as you imagined Karkat is full blown ranting at you about you being irresponsible and stupid. You just wince as his shrill shouting makes your head pound even more. While Karkat is yelling at you he is wrapping up your head wound. It didn’t seem like it was too bad he had said. Finally it appears he has tired himself out on the whole shouting thing. He sighs.

“You should have just gone to the on-campus store Gamzee.” 

“I know, I just wanted to go out and see something more than just the campus Kar.” 

He sighs. “I know that, but still you should have gone at least in a group. Not all humans are so keen on us being here.”

He had probably mentioned that at some point before you had arrived here but you probably weren’t listening. You bite your lip and fidget a bit, you still haven’t told him the worst part. 

“So..uh.. I may have uh, had my pills stolen.” 

You get ready for a second rant but there is only silence. You look at Karkat surprised. He looks alarmed. 

“Gamzee, that is seriously not good. You haven’t gotten far enough to just stop taking the pills. This isn’t a case of you just feeling like shit for a few days this is like you could get seriously sick.” 

“I know Kar, but there isn’t much I can do about it now.” You’ve resigned yourself that you are going to have a rough week. 

“God, guess I’m going to have to waste my week taking care of you huh.” 

You wince at that. You didn’t mean to cause him so much trouble.

“Hey, I was joking, chill Gamzee. You ought to know by now that I’m in this for the long run. I got your back and you got mine. You’ll just have to owe me big time.” He laughs trying to cheer you up. 

You only feel slightly better.

You spend the next three days with uncontrollable shakes and an inability to keep any food down. Even when you didn’t have anything left in your stomach you would still be curled up in the bathroom dry heaving. It would be an understatement to say you were feeling miserable. As per his word Karkat stayed by your side through it all. If you didn’t appreciate him enough before now you couldn’t appreciate him more. He was there to rub your back when you were stuck in the bathroom heaving. He was there to help you drink water when your hands were shaking too bad to hold any sort of cup. He even let you stay in his bed with him, more out of the fact that it was easier to run to the bathroom being the underbunk rather than for comfort. Although you still did appreciate the comfort though. You never really had this when you were younger, you had no one to take care of you and so you were so very appreciative that Karkat was doing this for you. 

On the fourth day was when it happened. You had your first seizure. You don’t remember what happened. You were talking to Karkat and Tavros one second then you felt your body lock up and the next thing you knew you were in the hospital with a very scared looking Karkat. 

“Where the fuck… Wait Karkat why do you look so scared. What happened? How did we get here? Motherfuck when did we get here?”

Tears started running down Karkat’s face and it took him a few tries to speak. 

“Y-you were– I-I..” He starts crying harder. “Gamzee you fucking scared me. Y-you were fine one second and then you like froze a-a-and then you were on the ground a-and..” He starts sobbing unable to keep talking. 

You grab his hand and pull him towards the hospital bed you were laying in, you embrace him and he sobs for a few minutes before he gets a hold of himself. You hold him and purr deep in your chest soothing him. You have never seen him like this before. Instead of being concerned about yourself you are more concerned for him. 

“The uh” he sniffles. “The doctors say that you had a seizure. I-I told them about how you’ve been going through withdrawal and everything and they said that could have caused it. B-but it could also have been caused by your head injury, or maybe even both for all we know.” 

He rubs at his puffy red-rimmed eyes. You feel very calm despite the news, you don’t know if it is because of whatever they got pumping into your veins. 

“Hey, I’ll be ok Karbro, I got the best moirail in the world to take care of me.”

He kind of laughs at that but then looks serious again. 

“I’m still worried about you Gamzee. This isn’t really a laughing matter. This could affect you for the rest of your life you know that right?”

You nod. “I know bro.” 

Just then the doctor comes in and re-explains everything to you again. He gives you a prescription for an anti-seizure medication. He does mention that it is not fool-proof however and that you need to be careful. He recommends avoiding flashing lights especially. The doctor also gives you a prescription for your withdrawal symptoms, he said it isn’t like the sopor pills or anything and it will only provide you some relief but he believes it will help you keep food down at least. You have to stay in the hospital for a few more hours under observation so Karkat leaves to go get your prescriptions filled. While he is gone Tavros comes by. He also cries quite a bit but when he calms down you and him have an impromptu rap off. To anyone else it could be described as absolutely awful but you had a good time. 

A few days later you finally get your school supplies from the on-campus store. Ever since your seizure Karkat has been watching you like a hawk not letting you go anywhere without someone else accompanying you. It should probably bother you but you had a tendency to follow Karkat around like a lost barkbeast anyway. Otherwise you spent your time with Tavros when Karkat was busy or if he got annoyed by you following him around. You weren’t really sure what else to do other than that. Ever since you and Karkat became moirails he has kind of dictated your life in a way. At this point you would feel very lost without him. You can’t imagine things going back the way they were with you alone and isolated. You don’t really want to remember those days either. 

You sigh bored out of your mind. You’ve been left alone in the room, the only place you are allowed alone. Everyone had things to do and well, no one really wanted you trailing after them. Even Tavros. You frown at that, it had kind of hurt that he had insisted that you not go with him. You hope you hadn’t been super annoying to the point he didn’t want to be around you. You sit up in your bed feeling antsy. You don’t really want to go down that thought hole. You climb out of the bunk and pace feeling more and more agitated. The room starts to feel really small and constricting and you start hyperventilating a bit. You want to leave, but if you do Karkat will be disappointed and with everything he has put up with lately you don’t want to make him upset with you. A soft whine escapes your throat. You feel very lightheaded so you sit against the wall trying to reign in your breathing. You can’t seem to catch you breath no matter what you do. You start panicking and then, nothing. 

You are not sure how long you were gone. You groan, you must have had another seizure caused by your little episode. Your head was throbbing. It took you a minute to remember where you were, then you noticed someone was pounding on the door. You try to get up but your first try failed, you hadn’t noticed that you your body ached so much so the pain surprised you. Once you manage to sit up you realized you had thrown up when you were out, guess you were lucky you didn’t drown in your own vomit. You cringe a little, then you remember someone is at the door. You throat hurt so bad that you couldn’t speak to try to let whoever was knocking that you were trying to get to the door. You struggle to stand up and after what feels like forever you manage to get on your feet. You start taking careful steps towards the lounge and the dorm room door beyond that. Once you reach the threshold of the lounge you hear who is at the door. 

“Highblood, er, Gamzee, please come to the door if possible. I really don’t want to have to break it down. I’m giving you a minute then I’m going to be forced to break in.” Equius sounds nervous at that last part. He was always one for rules. 

You try to speak but it just ain’t happening. By the time you reach the door you are panting, your body doesn’t seem to want to work with you. You open the door to Equius who looked like he was just about to knock the door down. Guess you were cutting it close then. Equius looks at you surprised, He looks down at your sweat slicked face then at your vomit covered shirt. 

“Ah uh, I um heard you scream and I came to investigate.” He avoids mentioning your appearance. 

You guess that is why your throat hurts so much. You don’t remember screaming though, weird. You know you should be taking this more seriously but right now your head is all fuzzy and it is hard to think. 

Equius swallows looking very uncomfortable and sweaty. “Do you need assistance?” 

You shake your head, you really didn’t want to deal with Equius and his awkwardness. You aren’t sure if he looks relieved or disappointed but after a moment of hesitation he nods and heads back to his dorm room next door. You imagine he is going to send a message to Karkat. You sigh, just what you wanted, to burden your moirail more. You stumble back to the bedroom, you need to change your shirt. You manage to pull it off without getting vomit on yourself, you consider that a win. You use a clean part of the shirt to wipe your face in case your face is a mess too. You consider using to shirt to try to clean the mess off the floor but you think it won’t cut it. You toss the disgusting shirt into your laundry basket, you will worry about that later. You put on a clean shirt then grab one of your towels to try to clean the floor. You are very glad that the room doesn’t have carpet or this would be much more difficult. 

You are just finishing cleaning the floor when Karkat comes barging in. You try your best to act nonchalant. 

“Uh, how was your day best bro?” You aren’t really looking at him somewhat afraid of facing him. 

You definitely set him off, not the greatest idea it seems. “How am I doing??? HOW AM I DOING!!!?? I don’t know, how would you expect me to be doing after hearing that my moirail had a seizure and puked all over himself!”

You wince at that, it is not like it was on purpose. You don’t say anything, you just stay sitting where you were cleaning and stare down at the floor refusing to look up at Karkat. He waits, you know he is waiting for some kind of answer from you and he won’t be content until you say something. You don’t want to make him more mad so you respond as best as you can considering your voice. 

“I dunno…” It was very quiet, you were only able to manage a whisper but Karkat heard you. 

“I feel like shit! Why did I even think you would be safe being alone in the room!” 

You bite your lip hard, making it bleed. You are getting panicky again. You really don’t want to have another seizure so soon. You stop hearing what Karkat is yelling. Your breathing becomes erratic but Karkat doesn’t notice. You know it’s going to happen and you open your mouth to try to choke out anything to warn Karkat but you are unable to. You can’t hear, you can’t speak. You’re struggling to breathe and then your vision cuts out and you black out.

When you wake up you don’t remember where you are. You don’t remember who the worried looking troll with nubby horns is. You feel really confused. Why are you on the floor?

“Gamzee, hey, come on buddy are you awake.” He snaps in front of your face and you wince. He looks relieved. “Oh, good, your responsive. I was really fucking worried Gamzee!” 

You strain to speak and you manage: “Who are you?” 

Karkat’s relieved smile vanishes. “You… Gamzee that’s not funny!” 

You just look at him confused. He knows your name so you must know him but it makes your head hurt to try and remember. Karkat starts to realize that you are not joking. Now he is the one that looks panicked. You manage to sit up with a groan. 

“Ok, Ok, we can figure this out!” He looks unsure, though you would too in his shoes you suppose. “What is the last thing you remember? M-maybe you might remember everything if you focus on that!” 

You try to speak but it just isn’t happening. Karkat realizes and goes to his bed and grabs a pen and notebook and practically shoves it in your hands. You try to think and figure out what the last thing you remember was. Your head feels like a jumbled ball of memories, they flit through quickly but you know they are not in order and it confuses you more. You try to focus harder then you start to pull together what you last remember and you write. 

“I remember coming to a school, It was with friends but.. I don’t, I can’t see their faces.” Your headache comes back. That sharp throbbing pain that happened last ti– wait. Last time? Last time what? You drop the pen and notebook and grip your head. You– You have been having seizures yes. And you just had one. Why? There was a reason, you remember feeling stressed and panicky, someone was yelling. Your best friend yeah. Your moirail. But, who? Who was it? Something with a K. Kar… ugh your head pounds again but you feel like you are close. Karkat. Suddenly you remember where you are and who your friends are. You grab the pen and notebook and sloppily write: 

“I remember, Karkat I’m so sorry.” 

You feel horrible. How could you forget them? How could you forget Karkat? You can’t stop the tears that come running down your face. You are horrible. Only a horrible person would forget their friends. You try to choke back a sob and suddenly Karkat is hugging and shooshing you. You are quickly a whimpering sobbing mess, each sound you make is agony but you can’t hold it back. 

“Gamzee, it’s ok, it’s ok.” He keeps repeating that. But it is not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real weed terminology is boring so don't expect it.

It’s the day before classes, the last 4 days have been a bit rough for you. Your pangs of guilt when seeing Karkat is starting to fade but it’s been a bit difficult for you to communicate with him. Not because he avoids you or anything, quite the opposite really. He’s pretty much always in your business at this point. You are no longer aloud to be alone at all now which you feel is putting strain on everyone. Especially yourself. You were ok when you had at least one option to be alone, well, to be fair that last day wasn’t great but you had actually just found your husktop (how did you lose it?) so at least you wouldn’t have been completely bored. So far though you just feel tossed around. You don’t really think anyone really wants to sit around and grub-sit you all day. You feel stifled and unable to do anything you want to do. I mean, you don’t feel like you can ask someone to go with you anywhere, it has been more like you have to follow them around. But worse than that you kind of feel… unwanted. 

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling. In fact you’ve felt that way most of your life. I mean your own lusus never really wanted to stick around. The eventual use of sopor later on helped you to not feel that way. Well, the feeling was still there but buried deep in your high as hell mind. Then of course you met your friends, but they never really wanted to hang out with you. Tavros talked to you a lot but it wasn’t within his means to visit you. Karkat you felt kind of just tolerated you before you were moirails. Occasionally others would talk to you but not much. You guess you never really processed those feelings when you were doped up and now they are all up crowding your thinkpan. You wish you could get high. 

At the moment you are trailing after Nepeta and Equius. They are talking animatedly, or well Nepeta is at least. You kind of feel, in the way. You guess you are just lucky they aren’t trying to incorporate you into the conversation out of guilt. You would much prefer to not interact with anyone. You wonder if you slowed down enough would they notice you were gone? They aren’t looking at you so you slow your walking keeping an eye on them to see if they may look back. Once they are quite a ways ahead of you you quickly make your way behind a building so you will no longer be in line of sight. You wonder how long it will take them to see you are not with them. Best to not think about it. You’re on a mission: find a way to get high so you can stop thinking about things for at least a little while. You don’t intend to pick up sopor again by any means but you know there are human alternatives. You want to get high, just for today. You hope that when classes start tomorrow everything will be at least a little better. You head off towards the city, if you stay on campus, the chances of you being caught are likely.

It takes you a few hours but eventually you find a seedy motherfuckin area and actually you kind of stumble into a drug deal. It could have been bad but you waved around some money and the dealer was happy to sell to you. He offered you many different types of human drugs but you heard from Dave that weed is pretty ok and there is not a high chance of addiction. So you buy some, you probably spent more for it than it was worth but you don’t really care, you pay a little extra so the dealer can show you what you are even supposed to do with it. He says the fastest way to use it is to smoke it so you figure that is what you will do. You bought enough to make a few blunts as you find out they are called, you don’t really give two fucks about the terminology. You shove the packet of weed in your pocket and head on your way. 

You find a nice secluded spot just off campus and you figure its as good a place as any, so you sit on the ground back against a building and you try to figure out how a human lighter works. Alternian ones are so much easier, this design is stupid. You finally manage after a few tries, great. You roll up a motherfucker and light it. Shit makes you cough but honestly whatever it takes at this point. It takes a little bit of time but you start feeling a bit high. Not as good as sopor but it is enough to chill you out. It makes it easier not to think about things. You sigh and look up at the sky. It’s about 7 pm you think. You turned off your phone so you couldn’t check for sure. You decide to sit there for a while longer, even though the high makes you feel better you don’t want to go back to your room. You know Karkat will just rip into you so you’d rather put it off a bit for now. You decide to light up another one. Might as well. 

The sky has long since gone dark and you still haven’t gone back yet. The darkness is no obstacle of course. Trolls are technically nocturnal creatures after all. You sigh, you should probably turn your phone on at least. When it turns on you see you have 25 missed calls, all from Karkat, and a slew of messages from various friends. You don’t care to look at them so you just delete them all. You look at the time while you are at it, huh, 11pm. You didn’t think you had been sitting here that long. You decide you ought to get up. Your legs feel all stiff from sitting so long. You decide to slowly start walking towards the side of campus your dorm building is at. You still want to procrastinate on getting there but you know you ought to at least sleep a little before classes the next morning. You imagine Karkat might rant and rave at you for at least a couple hours. 

Your halfway to the dorm building just minding your motherfuckin business when you hear something running towards you. Your high is still going so your a bit slow to react but it is Karkat and he looks pissed. You wonder why he is not slowing down as he approaches you but you soon find out. He tackles you to the ground driving the breath out of you and then he punches you in the face. Hard. 

“YOU FUCKING VILE HORSESHIT PRICK!” He punches you again. You are too surprised by this reaction to do anything. 

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU JUST UP AND DISSAPEAR LIKE THAT!” He goes to punch you again but you grab his hand stopping him. He is practically snarling at you and every ounce of high feeling you had is gone. 

“FUCKING SAY SOMETHING YOU ASSHOLE, GIVE SOME EXCUSE I DARE YOU!" 

You kind of snap. "I DON’T NEED TO GIVE YOU A MOTHERFUCKIN REASON. I’M NOT SOME FUCKING WRIGGLER THAT NEEDS LOOKING AFTER KARKAT.” You shove him off of you. You are angrier than you ever recall being. Karkat looks alarmed but you don’t care. He tries to say something. 

“SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP AND JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE GODDAMNED SECOND.” You lower your voice a bit, rage is still boiling through your veins so it is more of a dangerous quiet. “I can’t fucking stand to be smothered Karkat. You think I like being tossed around, unwanted, and treated like I’m broken motherfucker?" 

He stutters, the fear on his face makes you smile. "I-I—n-no Gamzee. I-I’m sorry–" 

"Of course you are. OF COURSE YOU ARE. I can make you real and truly sorry my brother." 

A timid voice comes from behind you. 

"G-Gamzee?”

You turn with an almost guttural growl at whoever interrupted you. It’s Tavros. Part of you is screaming inside to not hurt him but the you that isn’t you takes a step towards Tavros with a sadistic smile on your face. Karkat grabs your arm and pulls you towards him. Next thing you know your hands are around his neck squeezing. Despite that he looks calm, he wraps his arms around you and pulls you close. You loosen your grip on his throat and he shooshes you. The anger is starting to slip away leaving you feeling empty. Your hands fall to your sides, you feel like a limp doll, probably look like one too. Then filling up the emptiness you feel is horror. You were going to hurt them. You almost came close to killing your moirail. 

“O-oh god, Karkat i-im sorry, i’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have–” you trail off, you were lying, you would have killed him. You would have snapped his neck like a twig. You think he knows too.

You don’t understand how he could stand there, comforting someone who was just seconds away from killing him. You feel sick to your stomach. Karkat is rubbing your back and murmuring to you that everything is ok. 

“But I hurt you..?” You can’t comprehend that being anywhere close to ok.

“Well, to be fair I did punch you, twice.” He examines your face. “Hold still.” 

He wipes your face with his sleeve, you didn’t realize your nose was bleeding. He makes a face at the blood on his sleeve. You look down at his neck, you can still see the imprint of your hands. He notices you looking. 

“It’s fine Gamzee, It could have been worse.”

You suppose so? But still doesn’t erase the fact that you still did that and had the intention to do worse. You sigh, you do that alot these days you realize. After a moment you say in a quiet voice, not one of violence but uncertainty. 

“I… don’t see how you can still up and have any feelings for this motherfucker after all this.”

“Well, you might be a violent clown dumbass but you’re MY violent clown dumbass. Does that answer your question?”

You chuckle softly. 

Another voice chimes in. It’s Tavros, you kind of forgot he was still there.

“Y-yeah, well, uh, I’m not in a quadrant or anything with you” He blushes profusely. “ but I still uh, care about you, uh, i-inafriendway.” He says that last bit very quickly. 

Karkat rolls his eyes, you’re not sure why though. Actually most of Tavros’s actions and words kind of confused you. You’re getting some mixed motherfuckin signals. It’s too confusing to think about right now you decide. After looking at Karkat you stifle a laugh at a thought you just had.

“You know, if no one else knew better they would probably think we were kismesis.” You gesture to your face and Karkat’s neck.

“Oh god, I can’t even imagine that. Me hate dating you? No fucking way.”

You laugh for real now, you 100% agree with that statement. Karkat grabs your hand and starts tugging you towards the dorm building. 

“Lets get you cleaned up then we are going to have a pile session, well, probably just on the lounge couch.”

Damn, you were totally ready to whip out the horn pile. After a big exaggerated sigh you smile. It’s been a while since you two had a real feelings jam. 

Later in your guy’s room you and Karkat are all sorts of comfy in the couch. You are lying with your head on Karkat’s lap and he is running his hands through your hair. You have already went back over and talked about the whole feeling suffocated thing, this time with less yelling and violence. Karkat was thinking of a way to compromise, you get to do whatever but he still wants a way to know if you are unsafe or feel like you might have a seizure. 

“Ok, how about, a text warning? Like not a word or anything that may be too long. Maybe an emoji?” 

You yawn, It’s really fucking late. “Yeah sure Kar, that sounds fine by me.” You think for a moment. “I guess we should pick one then?”

Karkat starts flipping through the emojis on his phone occasionally showing you one that he thinks would be appropriate. You just want a funny one though.

“Look, Its gotta be something you wouldn’t normally use ok? These fucking stupid ones look like something you would just randomly send me.”

You suppose he is right. He searches intently before pointing at one. It is a red x lookin thing. 

“This one, remember that you dumbass.”

“Sure Karbro, now, not to be too much of a buzzkill on this whole pale sesh but can we go to sleep now?” You yawn again.

“Oh god Gamzee, please never call this that ever again. An idiot like you knows what it sounds like.” He is making a face. “Now maybe get the fuck off of me then we can sleep.” 

You sigh, then you grab him and pull him down to lie on the couch next to you. He grumbles. 

“What the fuck are you doing Gamzee.”

“Oh no bro, I am too motherfucking tired to get the fuck up so I guess you are just stuck here.” You smile and pull him in close, no escape for this motherfucker. 

Karkat mutters some very interesting curses but ends up settling down giving in. You love it when you win.


	4. Chapter 4

You wake up to someone shaking you quite vigorously. You blink sleepily and mumble. 

“’m too tired for this shit motherfucker.” You glance over to see it’s Karkat.

“Well get over it. It’s your fault we ended up going to sleep so late." 

"That’s harsh bro.” You yawn and stretch out on the couch. Karkat is looking at you impatiently.

“You have an hour and a half to get ready so I’d get a move on if I were you." 

You nod lazily, all in motherfuckin time. Tavros walks in rubbing his eyes all sleepily. You can’t help but to think he is damn cute when sleepy, well to be fair he is damn cute all the time but especially when he is sleepy. 

"Mornin T-dog” you manage a lazy ass wave. 

“Mornin Gamzee, d-did you uh fall asleep in here?" 

"Mhm, bed was just too damn far.”

Tavros giggles. “Could of uh, just went to my bed if it uh, would have been easier.” He immediately blushes profusely. “U-uh i mean, uhhh. G-gotta go, talk to you later!” He very quickly heads out into the hall, presumably going to the bathroom. 

You look at Karkat wide eyed, “uh.. did that.. make any sense to you? He wasn’t like, I mean it sounded kind of like maybe…” you trail off. Best not get your hopes up on all that. He was probably just joking. 

“God you’re such a fucking dumbass." 

"How so Karbro?" 

"Clearly, Gamzee, Tavros has red feelings for you and we all know how you feel about him. I swear you two idiots would be perfect together if you weren’t so fucking stupid." 

"Wait.. really? No joke?" 

"Oh my god, yes Gamzee, no fucking jokes here.” He gestures around wildly, “do you fucking see any jokes dipshit." 

Dave walks in. "I dunno dude, I think I see one joke in this room.” He’s looking at you. You growl a bit under your breath but you stop once you hear Karkat chuckle a bit. 

“Bro, are you siding with motherfuckin Strider over me??" 

"No, no, it’s just, I mean it’s kinda funny Gamzee." 

"Well I think it’s motherfuckin rude." 

Dave interjects. "You’re literally a clown. A walking joke, literally." 

You stand up swiftly, that pisses you off. "Oh? Want me to show you how motherfuckin funny I can be?” You growl threateningly. 

“Oh I’m so scared." 

You take a step forward but Karkat grabs your arm. "Gamzee. Shower, go.” He points towards the door giving you a no nonsense look. You grumble a bit but you do as he says. As you get yourself all cleaned up and ready for the day you can’t help but to think about Tavros. Does he really feel the same feelings as you? I mean Karkat wouldn’t lead you wrong, and he does notice these kinds of things so… Maybe it is true? Should you make a move then? Before you can really consider that much more Karkat comes and shouts at you for taking too long. 

“I swear to God if you make me late for our first fucking class Gamzee. I mean fuck do you even know your schedule?" 

You give him a sweet lil smile. "Nope. But I know you do.~" 

Karkat sighs. "Yeah, you’re not wrong. I fucking did your schedule cause I know you’re a dumbass. It’s the same as mine so just follow me around like a little quackbeast." 

You figured as much. "All right Karbro, I’m all up and ready anyway so lead away." 

”… You literally don’t have your bag dipshit.“ 

"Uh.. aaallrriighhtyy I’m almost ready then.” You look embarrassed, of course, the most important thing. You run to the room and grab it real fast then come back to Karkat. “Ok, now I’m motherfuckin ready." 

You give him a double thumbs up and a cheesy smile. He rolls his eyes at your antics and mumbles something about associating with idiots. Either way he grabs your hand and pulls you off towards your first class. You walk hand in hand across campus heading for the humanities building or so Karkat called it. All the buildings kind of look the same to you. As you walk you notice a few humans giving you guys weird looks, you wonder why but soon dismiss it as you enter the building. The halls are bustling with trolls you notice, you give Karkat a questioning look.

“There are a lot of classes about human culture here so of course there is going to be a bunch of trolls.” He gives you a look that suggests you should have thought about that. “Anyway most of our classes are here, Earth History, Human psychology, and English. We are going to English 101 right now.”

You sigh dramatically. You get the feeling that it is going to be a very boring day. And it is, once you got through with the humanities building you and Karkat had to walk all the way across campus to the science building to learn about Earth biology and such. Then again you had to walk a ridiculous distance to your final class. Human Health. It seemed to be a waste of a day honestly, each class went over boring “syllabus” shit and you learned nothing. 

However, throughout the day there was this uncomfortable atmosphere. Of the trolls attending the university the mid to lowbloods rarely glanced you and Karkat’s way. Unless they sat next to you where they looked very uncomfortable and your attempts to look all friendly like were not appreciated and they just looked more scared. Same with the humans. John, Jade, Rose, and Dave are so chill with you and your friends that you assumed other humans would be ok like that too but turns out that was a big resounding motherfuckin no. The case was very different with the Higher Castes. Blue and up were openly disgusted by both you and Karkat. With Karkat it was more understandable, he’s a mutant and we were taught that mutants shouldn’t exist and yada yada. You never really cared. 

You are not sure if they give you looks because you clearly associate with Karkat or if there is another reason. Other than your friends you never really associated to much with other High Bloods despite you being a purple blood of the faith. You were mostly high all the time so you didn’t get out much. But now you can see that your fellow purple blooded motherfuckers are MUCH taller than you and typically built heavier. You never really realized that you were so physically stunted in comparison. That said you still are much taller than most of your friends. Equius is taller than you, so is Feferi. Eridan and Vriska are about your height. And then the rest of your friends are shorter whether by a little or a lot. Nepeta being the shortest of them all yet still as fierce as she is cute. 

When you guys finally head back to the dorm building you make sure to keep Karkat close to you. You don’t think anyone will try anything at least while they are under human supervision but you’d rather be safe than sorry, you would never forgive yourself if something happened to Karkat. You almost laugh, first Karkat was worrying over you and now you are doing the same to him. Karkat was oddly silent for the walk. You weren’t adding any commentary yourself but typically Karkat is almost always going on about something. Neither of you guys speak until you enter the room.

“Wow, maybe this is going to be harder than anticipated.” 

You glance at Karkat then hum in agreement. “I don’t think you are the only problem Kar.” You gesture to yourself. “I’m pretty sure I got some dirty looks too. Never really realized how short I was compared to others of my blood. Then add up the both of us together, the mutant and the druggy.” You sigh dramatically. You had hoped your dramaticism would lighten the mood but Karkat still looks insecure. 

“Look, despite me being all up a short motherfucker I’m still more than strong enough to protect my best bro.” You stick your tongue out at him and flex your arms comedically. It works, Karkat gives a soft chuckle. 

“You look ridiculous, please stop I swear to god I am going to throw up at this display of idiocy.”

You laugh and oblige. “Besides, the humans aren’t all happy with violence and all that. Any troll who does shit will be booted from Earth most likely.” Karkat nods and looks a bit better, reassured by your words. “Now how about we get our comfort on on the couch and watch some shitty romcoms.”

“Fuck you they are NOT shitty!” You just laugh. 

A few weeks pass relatively uneventfully. The humans started relaxing a bit in the trolls presence and some of the highbloods appear to have gotten bored of giving you and Karkat menacing looks. That doesn’t mean all of them have quite their shit but it is way better and both you and Karkat feel much more relaxed about it. The only interesting thing that has been happening has been you and Dave continuing your fued. If you didn’t know better you would assume he was black flirting with you, but as a human you doubt he would understand the concept. The other three don’t seem to. Well, maybe Rose does, she is pretty smart but appears to have no interest in any of the other romances. So there you are, head in Karkat’s lap on the couch complaining about Dave. 

“Ugghhh, Dave is such a motherfucking asshole.” you practically growl each word your frustration quite evident.

“He’s not that bad Gamzee.” Karkat mutters a slight blush on his face.

“Kaaarrrrkkkaaattt, stop defending him! Can’t you see I am suffering? The black feelings in my blood pusher are almost too much for this motherfucker to bear.” you say this very dramatically. 

“Well, maybe stop fucking flirting with him and do something more productive. For example, you still haven’t made a move regarding Tavros. Even though I literally told you that he feels the same as you do. I swear everyone is just waiting with bated breath for you two bulge fondlers to just do something already. The tension between you too is almost palpable. If one of you guys don’t say anything we are all going to start frothing at the mouth starved for the sweet sweet release that you two getting together will bring us.” 

You blush profusely. “Well it’s not like it is easy to just up and confess to your red crush. What am I supposed to say? What if I fuck it up?? You know I’m not good with words when I am nervous!.” 

“Uh, no I am not, for one I don’t think I have ever seen you nervous. You have idiot confidence, which is to say that it’s a lot of confidence because you are stupid as fuck.” 

“..Uh.. Point taken? Still, I don’t know, should I take him on a date? What if he thinks it is just a friendly outing?” You groan with frustration, hiding your embarrassed face with your hands.

“Well Gamzee, you don’t know until you try dumbass. Tavros is probably too shy to make a move so it’s kind of on you bud.” 

You groan again. And of course Tavros just happens to walk into the dorm room. 

“Uh.. Are you alright Gam?” 

You stutter and stumble over your words. “I uh, f-fuck, uhhh, just great, fantastic, um, never better! T-totally wasn’t talking about you or anything! Like hah! Why would I be talking about my cute- u-uh I mean cool! Rap buddy. Yeah.” Your face feels like it is on fire. 

“Um, o-ok, and uhh, thanks m-maybe? I uhh, j-just remembered that I t-totally forgot that I have a class I need to be at uh, so b-bye!” He rushes out of the dorm room as fast as possible. He doesn’t have his bag. Also It is like 8 o’clock and you know he doesn’t have night classes. 

“Well, that was a fucking trainwreck.” Karkat sighs. That is an understatement. 

“Uuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhh!” you groan for the damn third time. “I told you I would motherfuckin fuck it up”

“Yeah, I stand corrected. I didn’t realize the full extent of how socially incompetent you two are. Look, how about you just ask him to a movie or something and you know, don’t be an awkward fuckwad. Just act fucking normal and then just make a move, you know, like the classic stretch and arm over his shoulder thing. If he has literally any braincells he is sure to figure out the meaning of that at least. Look, how about we watch some movies and you take fucking notes on how to actually fucking do this shit.” You are 99% sure this is just an excuse to just watch romcoms. But you just roll your eyes with a smile and just go with it. 

Even later that night when Tavros finally returns to the room you are on the couch trying to look suave and cool but you are probably failing. “Uh, hey Tavbro, sorry about earlier. Um, sooo by chance would you be down to see a motherfuckin movie or maybe um just chill the fuck out somewhere, get some food or whatever. If you want to.” You look away avoiding eye contact. 

“Uh, yeah, that um, sounds like fun. I’d be uh, down to see a movie with you.” In your peripheral vision you can see he is biting his lip. He says the next thing really quickly. “Imeantotallyinafriendwayofcourse!” Your smile falters a bit before you force it back on your face. “..cool, great, yeah, of course..” Your voice sounds a bit strained. Wow this is going badly. 

“Well, um, does tomorrow night sound up and good with you?”

“Y-yeah, uh, sounds great.”

“Wicked. Um, anyway I’m just going to uh..” you gesture towards the bedroom. “..sleep and, yeah.” You abruptly stand up and quickly yeet yourself up into your bed and burrow into your blankets with amazing speed. You bury your face into your pillow to hide the shame written all over your face. You really dicked this up huh. After a few minutes Tavros eventually comes into the room and heads to bed. At least you assume that as your face is buried into your pillow at the moment. It takes you a while but eventually you drift off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day you can barely focus on your classes. All you can think about is your “date” with Tavros. You pester Karkat all day about what you should do and he is starting to get frustrated and annoyed.

“Gamzee! Just. Be. Yourself. Goddamn. I don’t know how many times I have to say it to get the fucking concept through your thick skull you fucking dipshit. I swear the message would get through to even the smallest insect. They don’t even fucking understand our language! That is how stupid you are being!” 

“Clearly being myself has gotten me absolutely nowhere.” You gesture wildly at yourself. “Apparently this motherfucker only gives off ‘lets be friends and only that’ vibes!” You pull at your hair in frustration. “Why am I like this!”

“Dude, fucking chill out before you give yourself a seizure or something.” 

You gasp. “I didn’t even think about that! What if the movie has a bunch of flashing lights!!! I heard that I should avoid movies with flashing lights if I have seizures. Motherfuck that would be motherfuckin embarrassing as shit!”

“Wow, your only worry is getting embarrassed is it? Not the fact that seizures are a very serious thing and can lead to you being seriously hurt or like you could die but yeah, don’t want to seem less cool of course.” Karkat sighs. “Why am I the only one who takes this seriously. 

“Bro, the way Tavros perceives me is super motherfuckin serious.”

“Ok first off, do you have to say motherfuck in every sentence you say? Also I doubt Tavros would think of you any less if that happened. Besides it would probably make you even more pitiable.” 

“Yes. But anyway so, what you are all up in putting down is that I should see a movie with a bunch of flashing lights so Tavros gets all motherfuckin worried about me? That is brilliant Karkat.” 

“Goddammit Gamzee! NO!” Karkat looks like he is about to explode and go on a serious rant but you cut him off.

“Kar I’m just joking I promise!” you chuckle. “I may look like a dumb motherfucker but I promise I’m not stupid.”

“You’re right you do look stupid. Like the most stupid, Imagine Trump, then put some clown makeup over that orange ass face and you are that stupid.” Dave chimes in. You didn’t even realize he was there with you guys. You glower at him. 

“What is a Trump?” You ask.

“Wow, uh like the current president. The one who isn’t Obama. We fuckin wish Obama was back. Brilliant person. Cared about the economy man. It’s all about the economy. Like imagine Obama, imagine him saying “the economy is bad” and we are all like “oh no!” but then he is just like “I’m going to fix it.” and you feel serene listening to that beautiful voice of his but then Trump waltzes in and just fucks it. Like literally, wrinkly dick right up in there. I don’t know about you but the economy with Trump’s dick deep in it is not a good economy dude.”

You understood none of that. You open your mouth as if to reply and nothing comes to you. Damn. Eventually you manage a weak: "Who is Ob-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." 

You look to Karkat for some backup or something but he's just smiling lightly at Dave with a red tinge to his face. You look back and forth between them and come to a realization. You give Karkat an exasperated look. "Bro, really?" 

He looks at you confused for a second then realizes that you know about his little crush. "Anyway Gam yeah just go for it, it's just a movie right?" He says that loudly with a fake laugh at the end desperately trying to change the subject. Dave raises an eyebrow but his face remains unreadable. His stupid face pisses you off. Yet also attracts you. Ah the complexity of black romance. Honestly you never expected to feel black feelings towards anyone. You never really disliked any of your friends to that point. Well, Vriska annoys you, you don't like how mean she is to Tavros but that is different.

For the next few hours you agonize over this movie date. Should you take him to dinner? Is that too much? Then if you did where should you go? There's too many questions and Karkat is tired of you pestering him with said questions. You decide you might as well ask Tavros what he wants to do. Talkin is so much easier over text. 

TC: HeY tAvBrO, wAnNa Go GeT sOmE wIcKeD aSs GrUb BeFoRe ThE mOvIe?

You wait staring at your phone screen. After a minute you get fidgety and so you get up and pace around the room biting your lip absentmindedly. It takes 5 minutes for Tavros to respond but to you it felt like forever.

AT: uH,,, yEAH SURE

Thats it. You waited 5 minutes for that. You groan in frustration. Ok, just gotta ask him where he'd want to go then. 

TC: AnY pReFeReNcE mY mOtHeRfUcKeR?

Now you play the waiting game, again. You expected a quick reply since he just answered your previous text but you sure expected wrong. It takes a good 15 minutes before your phone finally goes off.

AT: nO PREFERENCE REALLY } : )

God dammit Tavros. Now you have to think of somewhere to go. You have literally little to no sense of taste, and you are supposed to pick a place. And you KNOW everyone has a preference. They say they don't but then you pick a place and then they are all up and like 'oh, not that place' and the cycle repeats itself. Alright, you gotta play that fuckin reverse card shit.

TC: WeLl T-dOg, YoU kNoW i DoN't AlL uP aNd HaVe A sEnSe Of TaStE rIgHt NoW sO mAyBe YoU sHoUlD pIcK. :o) 

Take that motherfucker. Now the pressure of choosing should be off your chest now. You receive another text. 

AT: oH,,, uH,,, mAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO OUT FOR FOOD THEN,

For fucks sake. 

TC: We StIlL cAn, I jUsT wOuLdN't Be GoOd At ChOoSiNg Is AlL tAv. 

AT: uH,,, oK THEN, iT MIGHT TAKE ME A WHILE TO UH,,, dECIDE THOUGH,

TC: DoN't MaTtEr To Me BrO, tAkE aLl ThE tImE yOu NeEd :o)

Finally, progress. You love Tavros but this whole date thing has got you on edge. You need to calm your shit. You try to think of something to do in the meantime but only one thing comes to mind. It’s time to get a little bit high. You know it’s not a great idea and Tavros would disapprove of this but It would soothe your nerves and that is what you need. You spend 30 minutes at your spot, you decided the place you first smoked weed at is now your place to go. It is quiet and peaceful over there so it is a good spot to go to get away from everyone because only you know about it. Now, it didn’t take you 30 minutes to smoke by any means but it was so calming to be there so you ended up staying longer than you intended to. By the time you finally check your phone for the time you see it is 10 minutes before you are supposed to meet Tavros for your date! You curse yourself for being so careless and you start heading back to the dorm building. 

However, as you are heading towards the dorm building you get stopped by a group of trolls. At first you didn’t realize their intent was to stop you but as soon as you tried to go around them they circled you. There are 5 trolls, at a quick glance they all appear to be blue bloods. You give them a lazy smile, as if you are not worried at all. Of course you are not stupid, they want to cause trouble and you are prepared for that but for now you just say: 

“What can a motherfucker do for y’all?”

They are all giving you dirty looks, disgust even. The leader, at least you assume so, steps forward. 

“I just want to know how a disgusting runt of a highblood like you didn’t get culled.”

You laugh, “Well seeing as me and you are around the same height how does that make me a runt to you exactly?” 

He ignores that. “Just look at you, weak, stunted, and you look practically skeletal. Not to mention your sopor addiction. What fucking idiot would come up with the idea to consume that?”

“Look, I got somewhere to be motherfucker, you can spout all the hate you want but maybe at a later time.” You are getting impatient, Tavros must be wondering where you are. 

“Wow, you are as stupid as you look huh. You aren’t going anywhere ‘motherfucker’. We are going to do you a favor and just pity cull you.” 

He gestures to the others and they start advancing towards you. He looks so cocky and sure of himself. “We will see about that then.” Your smile widens, almost predatory. It is very slight but you swear you see a flash of fear in the lead troll’s eyes. One of the trolls decaptchalogues his weapon, a serrated edged blade, and leaps towards you. You casually step aside dodging his attack. You grab the back of his shirt as he trips past and lifting him with ease you throw him at one of the trolls trying to attack you from behind. The remaining three still standing realize that coming at you one at a time will not work. They rush towards you all wielding different kinds of blades. You decaptchalogue your clubs and use them to deflect the blades then you kick the troll in front of you, the leader, in the stomach and he collapses heaving. You grab the arm of one of the remaining trolls pulling her towards you unbalancing her before you slam a club down on her arm breaking it. She drops her blade with a scream. The other one who rushed you stabs towards you and you just barely move out of the way getting nicked slightly on your side. He smiles triumphantly before you grab him by the hair and slam a knee into his face effectively knocking him out. You hear movement behind you but before you can move you feel a sharp stinging pain in your shoulder.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” You hiss in pain and look to see an arrow lodged in your shoulder. Now you are fucking pissed. You whirl and snarl angrily at the troll who shot you. His face pales seeing you enraged. You advance towards him and you can see him shaking, frozen with fear. You stand in front of him now and you grab his bow from his shaking hands and you snap it in half. The terrified troll whimpers and stutters. “P-p-please don’t h-hurt me. I-It was all Xaleeb’s idea!” He points towards the leader troll who was just starting to get to his feet. “I don’t give a flying fuck bro.” You punch the fucker in the face, knocking him out. Everything screams in you to kill these trolls but you keep yourself in check just barely, never again do you want your rage to run wild. You look towards the lead troll and growl. 

“If you know what is good for you motherfucker I would get the fuck out of here.”

He glares at you eyes full of hate. “This isn’t over highblood, watch your back.” 

He and the other conscious trolls run off leaving those who are unconscious. You captchalogue your clubs again and check your phone, you are almost an hour late, the fight felt so fast how the fuck did the time fly by so quick? You groan then wince as your shoulder throbs reminding you of the arrow stuck in your shoulder. Goddammit. You rush back to the dorms ignoring the shocked looks, yeah you have an arrow in your shoulder and you are bleeding, so what. You are panting by the time you open the door to the dorm. Dave, Karkat, and Tavros look towards you, Karkat stands looking angry and as if he is going to tell you off before he notices the arrow sticking out of your shoulder and his face turns to concern. “Sorry I am late Tav, got a bit hung up for a moment.” 

Karkat sputters for a moment before finally finding his voice. “Hung up for a bit!? Gamzee you have a fucking arrow in your fucking shoulder!” 

You ignore that and walk up to Tavros, he looks as though he had been crying. You gently cup his face with your hands and you can see fresh tears forming in his eyes. Before you can stop yourself you lean down and gently kiss him. His lips are just as soft as you imagined them to be but all to soon you back off now worried about his reaction. 

“Ah, shit bro sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” 

Your voice trails off and you can’t look at him. You totally fucked up, this isn’t the way you wanted to do this. Tavros gently grabs your arm and you look at him confused, he pulls your arm down and towards him making you stoop slightly before he kisses you. You are sure you are blushing profusely, if you didn’t know any better you would think you were dreaming but the sharp throbbing pain in your shoulder tells you otherwise. When he pulls away you can see that he too is blushing profusely. You chuckle softly and Tavros giggles looking hella cute. 

“Uh, sorry to interrupt your little red fest but Gamzee you are literally fucking bleeding out onto the floor in case you forgot!”

You grimace, yeah, that is true. Tavros looks at your shoulder worry written all over his face. 

“Uh,, you should probably get that looked at Gamzee.” 

“Don’t you worry Tavbro I’m sure I’ll be ok.” He doesn’t look convinced. He looks to Karkat for support. 

“All right Gamzee, you are coming with me.” Karkat grabs you by the arm and pulls you out the door. You honk in surprise. 

Karkat practically drags you all the way to another dorm room down the hall from yours. He knocks impatiently. It takes a second but Rose answers the door. 

“Hey Rose, can you get Kanaya for me?” Rose looks at Karkat then at you, her eyes drifting to the arrow poking out of your shoulder. 

“Sure.” 

Rose goes back into the room leaving the door open a crack. You can hear her call for Kanaya and then some soft murmuring. After a second Kanaya comes to the door. 

“It seems you had an accident Gamzee?”

“You could say that.” You smile sheepishly. 

Kanaya gestures the two of you inside. “May I ask why you have an arrow in your shoulder Gamzee?” 

“Just a little altercation is all. Not too big of a deal.” You shrug then wince and curse as a sharp pain runs through your shoulder, ok, best not to do that. 

Kanaya tuts watching you. “If you say so, let’s see what we got then.” Kanaya gestures for you to sit and you do so. She grabs a black case and opens it. Inside there looks to be both sewing utensils and first aid. She then looks closely at the arrow in your shoulder and hums. “It appears luck is not on your side Gamzee. This arrow has barbs all down the shaft of it so it is not going to come out easy. I may need some assistance.” 

You groan, “Of course the motherfuckers used barbed arrows, cowardly little shits.” 

Kanaya types on her phone for a second and within a minute there is a knock on the door. 

“Come in” Kanaya calls. 

The door opens and Equius comes in. “I heard you needed assistance highblood.” 

You give a crooked smile, “Seems so, I guess pulling a motherfuckin arrow out of my shoulder by myself is unadvised.” 

He perks up at the mention of an arrow, he always was obsessed with archery even if he couldn’t do it himself on account of his ridiculous strength. He approaches you and studies the arrow “It is a good quality arrow, I would presume a higher blood owned it?” He doesn’t give you time to answer before he goes on. “Though it is unfortunate they used barbs, cowardly really.” He starts rambling about what type of arrows a respectable troll would use but you zone it out. You watch blood ooze from your shoulder wound. You think it’s quite a motherfuckin beautiful sight really. You imagine painting with your own blood, first just an image but then you think about how you could paint miraculous designs on Tavros, imagining the cool toned purple blood on his more warmer toned gray skin, fuck that’s hot. You shake your head clearing out that weird fantasy and focus again on what’s going on around you. Apparently Equius had been calling your name a few times. He sounds very exasperated. 

“Shit sorry bro, got a lil lost in my own thinkpan for a second.” He gives you a disapproving look. 

“Like I was saying Makara, I am going to break the head off of this arrow, it may jostle the wound.” He waits seemingly seeking permission. 

“Go ahead bro” 

He nods then grips part of the arrow sticking out from your shoulder to steady it, the action causes a sharp pain in your shoulder but you do not react. He then quickly snaps the head off the arrow, the movement of that causing you to hiss in pain. 

“My apologies highblood.” He is starting to sweat a bit profusely. 

You wish he would stop calling you that but with all the times you’ve told him to stop it, so far it has not worked. “It’s all up and just fine bro, just can we get the motherfucking thing out of my shoulder now?” 

You would really like nothing more than to get this over with and hang out with Tav. Equius nods and steps slightly behind you now placing one hand on your shoulder trying not to hurt you and the other grips the back of the arrow. “This will hurt, a lot.” 

And with that he rips the arrow out of your shoulder. The pain is intense and you can just feel the barbs shredding your flesh, you cannot help the scream that comes ripping out of your throat. Then your body locks up and your vision fades, the last thing you hear is: “Oh fiddlesticks.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the beginning of this chapter seems a bit choppy but anyway this is the chapter with the main bad shit so fair warning. Side note, if you want to see the art I draw for some of these chapters please visit Gamzee-the-capricious-fanfic on tumblr.

You come to with a groan. You feel disoriented and you don’t know where you are. Luckily you know who you are so that is a plus. You manage to finally open your eyes, squinting immediately at the light above. You attempt to sit up but a wave of pain, dizziness, and nausea make you lay back down. You close your eyes again, your whole body hurts but especially your shoulder, the throbbing pain is intense. You just lay there for a bit, it appears no one is around you else they would most likely be pestering you with questions and concern. You open your eyes again and look around. You are on the couch of your dorm, you are not sure how you got there. You also notice that you don’t have a shirt on, you guess that makes sense considering your injury needed tending to. You sigh, there’s no way you just fainted, you would have come to much sooner so that leaves the other and more unpleasant option, you must have had yet another seizure.You had been doing so well, the medication had really helped. But you suppose such shock to the body could trigger it. You will have to keep that in mind for the future. 

You hope you didn’t cause any problems for Kanaya and Rose. Considering past incidents you have the tendency to throw up when you have a seizure. Speaking of throwing up you start to feel the intense urge to do so now. You lurch up to a sitting position quickly but the action causes an intense wave of dizziness and the room spins and nope you throw up on the floor. You retch up stomach acid, which you suppose is better than the alternative, easier to clean at least. You pant a bit, desperate for air and you close your eyes. You can’t stop trembling and the movement causes more pain in your shoulder. This shit motherfucking sucks. You slowly lay back down trying to not trigger another throw up sesh. Getting up right now is not an option it seems. 

You hear the door open and you open your eyes to Dave looking at you. “Jeez dude, do you throw up every five minutes or something?” 

“Oh fuck off Strider.” 

He looks at you for a moment more before grabbing a rag from the kitchen and walking over. He starts cleaning up your mess. “I can do that.” you mutter. “Just need a motherfuckin minute or two to get all up and fine.” 

He snorts. “Sure dude, you look like fucking shit, doubt you’ll be getting up any time soon.” 

You growl softly, he might be right but you don’t want to admit it. “Whatever bro” a few seconds pass before you say: “Thank you though.” 

He just nods and finishes cleaning. Once he’s done he stands up and looks at the floor checking to see if he missed anything. “Alrighty, looks like new, now preferably clown boy don’t throw up on the floor that I just cleaned or else we are gonna have some beef.” 

You chuckle. “S’not my fault no one thought to put a trashcan in my vicinity now is it?”

He shrugs a bit of a smirk on his face, “You’re not wrong.” He drags a little trashcan over to you. Then starts heading for the door again. Before he leaves he looks back to you. “You should probably just sleep some, that always helped when-” He cuts himself off. “Just trust me.” Then he leaves. 

You sigh. You wonder what he was about to say, but oh well. You feel exhausted. Guess you’d better take his advice. 

A day passes before you can move around and a week and a half before you feel back to full strength. In that time you find out that Xaleeb is actually in your health class. You wouldn’t have noticed this except that now he keeps looking back and glaring at you periodically. It’s kind of weird. In fact you are in health class right now, and he’s doing it again. You sigh and look over to Karkat. “When do you think this motherfucker will stop doing this shit. It’s fucking weird, like damn bro, just get over it.” 

Karkat just shrugs and before he can really answer you the professor walks in raring to start the lecture. Usually this is when you would start to zone the fuck out but when she announces the topic you freeze. Great. We are talking about seizures today. You sigh again and Karkat gives you a look. “Great, get to learn all about how fucked up I am” you mutter under your breath.

Karkat rolls his eyes. “C’mon Gamzee, it’s not that bad. It’s not like the professor is going to single you out or anything.”

Hm, true you guess. And he is right, until around the middle of the lecture. As a rule all of your professors are aware of your little issue but most would have the tact to not mention it. Except this one it seems. She was just going through symptoms that occurs before a seizure when she looks at you and says: “Gamzee, would you say these are pretty accurate in your experience.” 

Karkat looks at you wide eyed for a second before giving the professor a ‘what the fuck’ kind of look. She notices Karkat’s look and looks back at you apologetically. You just paste a fake smile on and nod to answer her question regardless. You can’t help but notice Xaleeb snickering and whispering to the troll next to him. Oh, it’s the female troll who’s arm you broke. Great. Your biggest weakness, just laid right out there for everyone to know. You try to breathe evenly, you are really pissed off and you are trying desperately not to show it. The professor just didn’t know better. Karkat paps your arm trying to soothe you. You just shake your head slightly. You are not going to lose your shit over this. At least this is your last class today. When class ends you mutter to Karkat that you are going to take a walk, he looks a bit concerned but nods. 

You start heading towards your “kinda secret but not really” spot with a sigh of frustration. All you want to do is just get a little bit high, is that too much to ask? Probably, you think with a soft grumble. You arrive at your spot in a state of increased agitation. You pace for a minute running your fingers through your hair ruffling it up more than it already was. Finally you manage to come to a stop long enough to search for where you happened to hide your weed stash and lighter. After a minute of searching you growl with even more frustration, you could have sworn you put it right where you were looking. Just your fucking luck that someone would have somehow found your little stash spot. You let out a string of curses under your breath, you almost think Karkat would have been proud of you for the interesting amalgamations of words you managed to string together. You bite your hand lightly still rumbling with irritation. You stand back up still so caught up in your irritation that you don’t hear the steps behind you.

Abruptly a hand grabs your shoulder and spins you around then shoves you against the brick wall behind you. You can’t help but to yelp in surprise. In front of you stands Xaleeb, the blue blood from before, behind him you get a glimpse of his cronies before he shoves his phone screen up to your face. His phone screen is rapidly flashing black and white. For a second you are wildly confused, “Wha-” Then it clicks, he’s trying to induce a seizure. Wow, low blow motherfucker. You fucking laugh and his cruel smirking face changes to one of confusion. Like that is going to fucking work, with your medication you should be just fine you imagi--. You feel it then, your body starts to lock up. Oh. Oh fu--

You come to with a groan, your head is pounding, in fact your whole body just hurts. You are laying on your side and you’re pretty sure your hands are tied behind your back. You feel something around your neck too, some sort of chain you think. You mutter with your eyes still closed, unable to muster the strength to open them. “Motherfucking shitfaced bastards with your goddamned flashing lights really fuckin up my day here.” A hard kick to your stomach makes you shut the fuck up and gasp for breath. This really isn’t your day huh. After a few wheezing breaths you manage to open your eyes to the group of blue bloods standing around me. “Literally kicking a troll when he’s down huh? So valiant for some motherfucking ‘highbloods’ huh motherfuckers.” You give them all a mocking smile that earns you another kick to the stomach. After catching your breath again you manage a dark laugh. “One trick hoofbeast huh?” 

The female blue blood who kicked you snarls and looks as if she is going to hit you again but the leader, Xaleeb, snaps his finger and she halts, looking disappointed. If you weren’t still in such a shitty situation you’d be grateful, one more hit and you probably would have hurled up your guts. Really isn’t doing your throat any favors. Finally Xaleeb speaks: “You have quite a vile mouth for a ‘downed troll’. If you were smart you would be begging me for mercy, but well, I’m sure you are more stunted upstairs than you are physically.” You roll your eyes but while he speaks you manage to get your phone out of your back pocket, your back is still against the brick wall so no one notices you carefully get it. You are suddenly very grateful for a feature Sollux helped add to your phone, if you push the home button 5 times quickly your phone automatically sends Karkat an emergency text. Ya know, just gotta not die till he gets here.  
You quickly get your phone back in your pocket as Xaleeb approaches you. He has a self-assured smirk on his face that pisses you off, in the most platonic hateful way of course. He lifts his foot and places it against the side of your head putting a slight bit of pressure on you. You growl. “Still not begging for your life huh? I could just..” He puts more pressure on your skull and you hiss in pain. He gets a maniacal smile on his face, the sadistic fucker is enjoying this way too much. You manage to growl out: “Fuck you motherfucker.” He lifts his foot off of your head and you almost sigh in relief. “Well now that is an idea isn’t it~.” You look up at him incredulously. “What the fuck. Why would I ever fuck you motherfucker.”

“You have it backwards I’m afraid, and I never said you had a choice in the matter.” His sadistic smile only grows. 

“I’m tired of this sick joke, just fucking beat the shit out of me or whatever you intended to do so we can get this over with.” You snarl at him. There’s no way he is serious. That would just be sick and twisted. But he doesn’t look like he is joking. He grabs a part of the chain that is wrapped around your neck and he pulls on it pulling you to a sitting position. The chain tightens around your neck and you can’t breathe, he put a motherfucking barkbeast choke collar on you. Panic starts to fill you as the pressure on your neck doesn’t go away. A choked whimper makes its way out of your throat and Xaleeb releases the chain allowing you to breathe. You glare at him as you gasp for breath. He crouches down in front of you. 

“Tell me, have you ever pailed anyone before?” He cocks his head slightly staring intently at your face. You just growl at him. 

“I’m going to assume that is a no?” His smile widens. “That’s just perfect.”

You try to scoot away from him but the brick wall is directly behind you. Oh god, you hope Karkat shows up, this is getting too real. You look past him and the others tryin to see if there’s anyone else around. Xaleeb grabs your horn and slams your head into the brick wall. You hiss in pain. “No one is coming to save you dipshit.” 

“Ah well, can’t blame a motherfucker for trying huh?” You give him a mocking smile. 

He laughs, “That mouth of yours is going to get you into more trouble you know that right?” He grabs your horn again and shoves you to the side and you, unable to catch yourself with your hands tied behind you, get a face full of dirt. You groan in pain, god that fuckin hurt. C’mon Karbro where are you? Things aren’t looking good, did the text not go through? You followed Sollux’s instructions so it should have, but.. No one is coming. No. Karkat will show up, you just have to stall for time or something. Xaleeb smiles down at you. “Look at you, absolutely helpless.” 

You snort with laughter. “I wasn’t so helpless last time now was I?”

Xaleeb nods towards the female blue blood and she smiles. She approaches you and kicks you in the side, hard. You wheeze painfully, you're pretty sure she might have broken something. You guess maybe it is payback for breaking her arm last time. Xaleeb chuckles, “Now, where were we? Ah, yes, I was going to show you all the ways I can break you. Ruin you. No one will want you after I am done with you.” 

He starts unbuttoning his pants and you go cold. He is really going to do this. You hold back a whimper, you are not going to show weakness to this asshole, just gotta find a way to stall. “Can’t believe you’re so eager to fuck me.” You chuckle condescendingly. “Is fucking someone motherfuckin higher than you a fetish for you? Motherfucker that’s just sad. Honestly you remind me of a friend of mine, except he’d probably beg me to fuck him.” Sorry Equius, you really don’t mean that. 

Xaleeb just keeps smirking down at you. “You know, no matter what you say you are still at my mercy right now. And well, I do actually have a fetish. You wanna know what it is?” He kneels down beside you. “I get off on causing people pain. And oh I can barely wait to hurt you. To hear you scream and beg me to stop. But I won’t. And when I’m done I’ll watch as everyone else here gets a chance to use you.” 

You tremble slightly, your bloodpusher feels like it is going a million miles per hour. This can't be happening. Oh God, oh fuck, Karkat please, you beg, please fucking hurry up. One of the trolls grabs you by the back of the shirt and lifts you to your knees. You struggle a bit but it doesn’t do you much good, your body still feels weak. You feel cold hands slide up under your shirt a bit, you feel sick. “Wow, gonna feel me up now too huh?” 

Xaleeb laughs. His hands drift to the waistband of your pants. You want to beg him to stop but you get the feeling that he would just enjoy it even more. You just growl as he slowly reaches forward to unbutton your pants, he’s taking his time it seems. “Gonna take all day with this shit then?” 

You hear him chuckle. “No, I just want to take my time here, It’s for your benefit really. To really show you that no one is going to come and save you.” Your pants are unbuttoned now and he slips his hands down a bit further running them over your hips. You really want him to stop. 

“You sure are confident aren’t you?” There’s a slight tremor to your voice that you hope he didn’t notice. 

He hums softly, “Yeah, I am confident. I mean, who would fucking care enough about you to come save you?”

You snarl. “Maybe you are just jealous that so many trolls care about someone so fucked up when no one gives a shit about you motherfucker. You are nothing, motherfucker.” The only indication that he was at all affected by your words was his claws digging into your hips slightly. 

“Says the one at my mercy. Hm, how many times now have I had to remind you?” He tuts softly as he finally starts to pull down your pants. Your breath hitches a bit. “You sick fuck!”

He slides your pants down to your knees. Your face feels hot as his fucking cronies leer at you. “You all are some sick motherfuckers, can’t believe so many of you get your kicks from this.” 

You feel one of Xaleeb’s hands drifting up your inner thigh. “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME MOTHERFUCKER!” You are absolutely shaking with rage. 

He viciously tugs on the choke collar cutting off the low growl you were making. “Aw, look, he’s angry~” 

You cough and struggle to breathe for a minute. Your throat is very painful and breathing hurts. You hope he hasn’t caused any permanent damage. Suddenly he pushes you forward and you yelp as your face smashes into the dirt. Now everything neck upwards hurts and you are pretty sure your nose is bleeding. But even worse than that is that now you are in a very vulnerable position. You try to struggle back up but the troll who lifted you by the shirt now holds you down. You hear fabric shifting behind you then you feel something slimy and wiggly- oh god that’s his bulge- run against your inner thigh. You feel like you could throw up. You let out a stream of curses that would make even Karkat proud when you feel him sliding up against you. Oh no, any moment and he could- A scream rips out of your throat as he viciously shoves into you. Oh god it hurts. Beyond the pain you can hear him groan with pleasure. 

You scream more curses, filled with intense rage but he makes you scream in pain again as he starts roughly thrusting into your nook. Tears stream down your face and you bite your lip hard enough it bleeds as you try to hold back your sounds of pain. Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! Your breathing is ragged as you once again try to struggle away. The troll holding you down pushes you down harder making it almost impossible to move. You dig your nails into your palms unable to do anything else with your hands. You want it to stop. You want it all to just stop. Why hasn’t Karkat come to help you? “Has it hit you yet? The fact that no one can stop this? That you deserve this?” He groans again. “And damn, let me tell you, for a cullable fuckup of a troll you do feel quite good.”

You choke back a sob. You try to tell yourself he is wrong, you don’t deserve this, and… and… Karkat must be coming… right? Xaleeb’s words echo in your head with each rough thrust into you. No one is coming. No one can save you. You deserve this. It feels like forever before Xaleeb’s movements become more erratic. His bulge twists around inside of you and makes you cry out in pain. You are left whimpering painfully as he shoves deep into you. He moans loudly and you shudder with disgust as he fills you with genetic material. You feel over-aware of the genetic material dripping down your thighs. You can just imagine the blue staining your skin. The imagery make you gag. You feel Xaleeb slide out of you and god every bit of you hurts. After a few seconds he kneels beside you making sure you can see him. You snarl at him. “Bet you wish this was done huh?” His smile is cruel, satisfied, it makes you sick. “Well, four more trolls to go~” 

Your stomach drops, you had almost forgotten that this was nowhere near done. You wish you could come up with something more than the “Fuck you.” you manage to say to him. He just smiles. You hadn’t noticed the female troll had moved behind you till you feel her bulge shoving into you. You cry out again in pain, she really wasn’t that big but you were already ripped up and raw from Xaleeb that the pain was almost equally as agonizing. Xaleeb just watched your face as you screamed and cried. It felt like forever before they were all done with you. The last one had been the worst after Xaleeb. He had been the troll holding you down and he was considerably bigger than Xaleeb even. Save the best for last right? You almost laugh hysterically at that. Almost. 

Said troll now lifts you up and slams you against the brick wall, your arms get the brunt of it and you hiss in pain. You glare at Xaleeb and the other trolls. Xaleeb crouches in front of you. “Now that was satisfying now wasn’t it?” 

The trolls around him chuckle and nod. You fucking hate them. “When I get the fucking chance I’m going to rip you all into shreds and I’ll be the one satisfied then.” You snarl full of rage at them. You go into excruciating detail about how you would kill each and every one of them until you reach what you would to to Xaleeb. When you get to him he tugs on the choke collar again, holding it tight so you can’t breathe. “I think that is quite enough of that. You know, I am REALLY tired of hearing your voice. You don’t know when to shut up don’t you?” 

You struggle desperately to breathe but he doesn’t release his hold on the choke collar until you are just barely struggling. You gasp desperately for air as soon as he does. You are trembling uncontrollably, you weren’t sure just then if he was even going to release his hold. He grabs your face, lifting it up till you are forced to look at him. You growl softly. He doesn’t look amused, in fact he looks annoyed for a moment then his face lights up. “Well now, I think I can solve this little problem.” 

You give him a confused look. “Open your mouth. Now.” 

“Fuck no!”

“You want another round of everyone or do you want to do as you’re told?”

You hesitate, you really don’t want to go through all that again. You can’t. You grudgingly open your mouth unsure of what he is planning. “Stick your tongue out.” 

Hesitating a moment more you do as he asks. He grabs the tip of your tongue rather roughly and you wince. You never noticed the knife in his other hand until your tongue feels like it is on fire. You shriek in pain then choke on the blood filling your mouth. You cough up some of the blood and start hyperventilating slightly. He just cut off part of your tongue. You can vaguely hear him laughing but you no longer feel like you are there. That is until he punches you in the face, the immediate pain bringing you right back. “Come now, can’t have you zone out just yet. First off, and this should be obvious, don’t fucking tell anyone about what happened here. Tell no one about who did this. And if you do, then we will do worse to that mutant moirail of yours.” You growl. “Or, what about that shit-blood you moon over.” You shut the fuck up. “Good boy.”

He stands up satisfied then gestures for everyone to head out. All of them obey except one who approaches you and sneers, he reaches towards you and you lunge forward your teeth crunching down one his hand. You can feel his bones splintering as he shrieks. Finally, someone screaming besides you. That female bitch of a troll kicks you in the ribs repeatedly until you release the other troll’s mangled hand. She guides away the sobbing troll and to your surprise Xaleeb doesn’t come back to punish you further. They just leave you there. 

You sit there for a bit, blood dripping down your chin before you shift forward a bit. You need to get your hands free. One thing at a time. You look around for a second and spot the knife Xaleeb used earlier, it has your blood coated on it. You are surprised he had left it. You take a breath and then slowly manage to scoot your way over to it. Once you can reach it you grab it and try to saw at the rope tying your hands together. It takes a while and you cut your arms a few times but you manage to free your hands. Once your hands are free you tug your pants back up. It's a bit of a struggle as your body is so sore but you manage. You lay down on your side for a minute, just physically exhausted. You just need a minute you think. You pull out your phone from your pocket once again. You turn it on and open up your messages. Nothing. Karkat never responded. You laugh hysterically. Xaleeb was right. You feel raindrops hit your face. Great. This is all just great.


	7. Chapter 7

You don’t know how long you lay there, getting soaked by the rain. You just don’t feel like getting up, or you can’t. You are unsure which is the case.You check your phone again, you’ve been there for an hour since you last checked. And yet, still no Karkat. You don’t even have the energy to laugh now. But, you have to get up. Maybe.. Maybe Karkat is in trouble or something? You take a couple deep breaths, trying not to choke on your blood and such, and steel yourself. You struggle to get up, your body screaming at you to just be still. You are so sore everywhere but you know you have to leave. You hiss in pain and manage to get to your feet, leaning heavily on the brick wall. You breathe shakily for a moment before you start moving, walking slowly in the direction of the dorm building. You just have to keep walking. 

You don’t know how long it took you to reach the dorm building but it felt like forever. It’s dark now so no one appears to be around. You enter the building and the person at the desks seems to be asleep, great job bro. The elevator appears to be out of order so you struggle with the stairs. Once you get to the second floor you have to lean against the wall for a minute panting before you can continue on towards your room. At least now you can use the wall as your crutch huh. It takes a minute to realize that you’ve been leaving a bloody trail but honestly you don’t care that much. Purple you can deal with. If you were trailing blue then… you don’t want to think about anything blue for a long time. 

Finally you reach your door. You test to see if the door is locked, it isn’t so you enter. Immediately you see what had Karkat distracted all this time. He’s on the couch making out with Dave, you see Dave’s hands up Karkat’s sweater running along his sides before he notices you and makes a surprised sound. His face goes pale immediately, you’re not sure what you look like right now but you imagine it isn’t good. Especially with your tongue still kind of bleeding and the blood getting all down your face. Karkat yelps noticing you, but, he’s not looking at you, his face is all red but his eyes stay on the ground. “O-oh uh, It’s totally uh not- well i mean, It kind of is uh-” He goes on but you don’t care. It’s hard to care about anything right now, you're just angry, but even that feels dull. You turn and head toward the kitchen, it’s not as though you can reply to Karkat anyway. 

You grab a metal spoon and study it for a second, it should work you think. You then turn on one of the burners of the stove. Karkat is still rambling and Dave just watches you looking unsure if he should say anything or not. You place the spoon over the flame and watch as it gets hot. Karkat finally stops rambling and looks up at you. “Look Gamzee I’m sor-- Oh god what happened!” He looks horrified looking at you, you just give him an empty bloody smile and shrug nonchalantly. Then you take the hot spoon and bring it to your mouth pressing it against the bloody part of your tongue hopefully cauterizing it. You hiss softly at the pain but don’t react otherwise. Karkat looks like he is going to be sick. Once the spoon has done its job you think about throwing it the sink but decide to throw it away instead. 

You proceed to ignore Karkat as he approaches you and you head towards the bedroom. When you open the door though Tavros is there rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Uh,, what's going on?” 

You freeze for a second, you can’t face Tavros right now. Not after what happened. You abruptly turn and rush out of the dorm room heading immediately towards the bathroom. Karkat, unfortunately, follows you. As you fumble with the door he finally seems to check his phone. He gasps but again you don’t give him time to say anything, you enter the bathroom and slam the door in his face. That won’t stop him probably but maybe he will reconsider following you. You head towards the shower block and you hear the door open behind you. You growl in annoyance. “Gamzee, stop, just stop and come here please.” 

If you could say no you would, but even then it sure doesn’t seem like anyone is going to respect that regardless. You just keep walking to the shower block, you enter one of the showers and close the curtain in Karkat’s face. “Goddamit Gamzee!” 

He just rips aside the curtain and stares you down. You lean back against that wall with a sigh. You don’t look at him, focusing on the wall instead. “Gamzee, look at me, what happened.” 

You say nothing, you can’t, and you don’t want to. The two of you stand in silence for a minute, him staring at you and you staring intently at the wall. “Look… I’m sorry Gamzee. I wasn’t there for you.” You scoff. “Hush I’m not done. I wasn’t there but I am here now, and I want to help you.” Another long moment passes. “D-...Do you not want to be moirails anymore?” 

He says that last bit quietly. You sigh softly, you are beyond angry, and you are hurt but… still, you don’t think you want to break up with Karkat. You look at him and shake your head no. Karkat looks slightly relieved but then he looks concerned again. “Gamzee… Can you not talk?” 

You look away again. His voice is a little shaky. “That’s a shit way of saying yes fuckass.”

You shrug. “Well… let's get you cleaned up then. Give me a second and I’ll get you a towel and some clothes ok? Don’t go running off ok?”

You nod, all the energy you had a minute ago disappears and it’s all you can do to just stand right now. Again you are feeling the pain all over your body more acutely. He runs off to get the stuff and you slump to the floor with a soft whimper of pain. You start trembling a bit. You try desperately not to think about what happened but it flashes in your mind. You bring your knees up to your chest. You know you should feel safe where you are but you still feel scared in a way. You realize you don’t want to be alone and you hope Karkat hurries up. You knaw on your lip anxiously until you hear the bathroom door open. A mix of fear and relief goes through you until you see it is Karkat again and then it is just relief. “Are you ok?” 

You nod shakily. He doesn’t look as though he believes you but he sets down your clothes and a towel. “Uh, so, do you need any help getting cleaned up?” 

You shake your head vehemently. “Ok ok jeez, just trying to help.” 

You struggle to your feet wheezing a bit, your ribs really hurt, and your core, and, well, everything you guess. Karkat gives you another concerned look, probably guessing that you are more hurt than you may appear. He starts towards you to help but you wave him away. “I’m fi…” That’s all you can manage, you are unable to make an ‘n’ sound. And even then your voice is very hoarse as it is so you are not sure he understood at all. He gives you a pitying look. You just close the curtain on him again, gentler this time. You then just turn the water on, all the way hot, and with your clothes still on. You were wet from the rain anyway and well, you can’t bare to take them off just yet. You flinch slightly at the scalding water and turn it down just slightly. “Hey dipshit, usually when you take a shower you remove your clothes first, or at the very least your shoes maybe???” 

You kick your shoes and socks off and kick them under the shower curtain. “Great Gamzee, A+ job there.” You chuckle just a bit at his sarcasm. You realize then that your phone is still in your pocket, fuck. You hastily grab it and open the shower curtain slightly to toss it to Karkat. He yelps but manages to grab it. You close the curtain again and sigh. You know you have to take your clothes off eventually but… It’s hard. You just stand under the water for a few minutes until Karkat taps on the wall. “Hey, are you ok? You aren’t dead or anything are you?” You huff loudly. “Ok, I was just checking, sounds like you haven’t removed your clothes or anything so, just wanted to know if you need help.”

You sigh for what feels like the billionth time and then you slowly manage to get your shirt off and you proceed to just unceremoniously toss it on the ground. But you stop there. That was the easy part. You bite your lip again. You know you have to do it. You shudder and close your eyes, as if that will make it better, but you reach down and start pulling your pants off. You manage to get them off but you still don’t open your eyes. You are afraid to see yourself. You take a deep breath, which hurts like hell, and you open your eyes. You look downwards, your sides are bruised badly, you are still pretty sure some ribs are broken. Looking a bit further makes you freeze, blue. It’s too much and you just collapse to your knees taking shuddery panicked breaths. Tears sting your eyes and you can’t hold it back anymore. You sob brokenly curling more into yourself. Your whole body shakes with your sobs and it hurts but you can’t stop. 

You are vaguely aware of the shower curtain opening and Karkat kneeling beside you. He pulls you close to him and you cling to him desperately still sobbing. He sits there and holds you getting his clothing all wet while he’s at it until you stop crying. He purrs soothingly and rubs your back. He’s murmuring softly. “You’re ok, I’m here.” 

You sniffle and whimper and he gently shooshpaps you. "Just let me help you Gam, ok?" 

You just nod slightly. He hesitates for a second. "Then… I'm going to help you get cleaned up ok?" 

You just nod again burying your face into his shoulder, the wet fabric of his shirt is warm. You feel bad about that, but at the same time you are glad he is here with you. He shifts slightly as if unsure what to do. “Gamzee, you are probably going to have to sit up for me, can’t really see what i’m working with with you all curled up as it is. Uh, not that I’m trying to like look at you because you're naked but well kinda uh need to to help so uh.” He continues on for a while. You reach up and pap his face softly. “Damn I’m sounding like Tavros huh?” You huff. “Ok c’mon, I know you guys are dating but you can’t lie and say he doesn’t stutter and say ‘uh’ a lot.” 

You just slowly sit up a bit and give him a look, it’s not as though he is wrong per se but he probably shouldn’t make comments like that to you especially when you and Tavros are togeth… You look away from him, staring at the wall again. You are not really sure anymore whether Tavros would really want to be with you now if he knew. He pats your shoulder then lightly pushes you to sit up straighter. You just obey. You hear him gasp softly and it takes all of your self control to not curl back up into a ball. “Oh Gamzee…” 

You shake your head, you don’t want to hear it, you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t want to think about it. He heeds your warning luckily, you are not sure you could handle it if he decided to push the issue. You hear him move and you glance over to see him grabbing your discarded shirt. “I don’t really have a towel so I’m going to use this.” 

You nod, you probably weren’t going to keep that shirt anyway. He moves back over to you and you look away again. He gently touches your back and you feel the sodden fabric of your shirt touch your thigh, you flinch slightly. He purrs soothingly rubbing your back. You tremble a bit as he gently scrubs your thighs. He spends a few minutes cleaning you up before he is done and you breathe in a shaky breath of relief. He helps you up to your feet and you lean against the wall. He turns the water off then reaches for your towel. He hands it to you and you wrap it around your waist. “You still doing ok?” 

You nod and he smiles slightly. “Now don’t dry yourself off just yet ok? You were out in the rain for a while, right?” You nod again. “I think maybe you ought to sit in the bath for a bit then. Pretty sure I heard that was a good idea somewhere.” 

You shrug, you don’t particularly want to be naked for any longer than necessary but you also don’t have the energy to argue with Karkat over it. He grabs your dry clothes and your hand and guides you over to the bathing area. You watch him as he fills up the tub with warm water. You shiver from the cold slightly, you think you would have been fine had he just let you dry off and get dressed but whatever you guess. At least this way you get to avoid Tavros longer. Hopefully he will have fallen asleep again by the time Kakat is done with you. “Hey, stop zoning out fuckass, the tub is ready, get in while I go toss your other clothes ok?”

You nod and he walks off. With a sigh you take the towel off again and slip into the tub. You sit with your knees drawn up to your chest, making yourself as small as possible. You sit like that for the few minutes it takes Karkat to come back. When you glance at him you realize what took him a bit, he’s got clothes and a towel for himself and a bottle of shampoo. You cock your head curiously. “Look, we both know that you didn’t clean up super properly like you know, your hair soooo I figured we may as well take care of that too.” 

Oh god does Karkat have some weird thing about wanting to clean you or something. Regardless it makes you laugh slightly. At least it's cute and harmless. “Har de har I fucking know, just accept it, I’m cleaning your hair.” 

His face is a bit red. You smile a bit, lil fucker is cute. When he starts tugging his shirt off however you raise an eyebrow at him. “Oh hush, I’m just getting in there with you.” 

“Wha?” You manage to choke out. 

“I don’t mean that in a weird way, I’m not getting all the way naked or anything, I’m just fucking cold.” 

He glares at you till you look away from him. You roll your eyes and huff softly before looking away so he can undress. The sounds of him undressing however makes you a little uncomfortable. After all, just a couple hours ago that sound meant pain. You gnaw on your lip anxiously. Obviously you know it is Karkat and he would never hurt you like that but still. You hear him slip into the tub behind you and he places a warm hand on your back reassuringly. He then dumps some cold ass shampoo onto your head but when he lathers it into your hair it feels amazing. You let out a little rough sounding purr, it hurts your sides but fuck it you don’t really care. It is 100 times more soothing having Karkat wash your hair than when he had to help you earlier.

Once your hair is cleaned up Karkat hops out of the tub, dries off, then gets dressed. He orders you to stay put for a bit longer till he comes back. You watch him leave then proceed to ignore that. You are tired of chilling out naked right now and you would love nothing more than to put your clothes on and then maybe never ever take them off again. You get out of the tub and dry yourself off with record speed before tugging your clothes on. You just manage to get fully dressed by the time Karkat comes back. “Gamzee. I told you to stay put! We still need to take care of your injuries!” 

You groan then shake your head vehemently. Karkat sighs. “Fine. We won’t do it now, but you are going to get thoroughly checked out in the morning.” 

You grumble about that. Hopefully if you get your way that won’t happen at all. He extends his hand out towards you and you take it. You both head back towards the dorm room. “I told the others to leave you alone for now Gam so don’t worry, they aren’t going to bombard you with questions or anything.” 

You wish you could tell Karkat how thankful you are to hear that but he seems to understand anyway as he smiles back towards you. You guys enter the dorm room, the living area is empty so presumably everyone is in the bedroom area. You falter a bit as Karkat tries to guide you towards the bedroom. He frowns back towards you. “Gamzee I promise it is going to be fine, they aren’t going to ask you anything and I’m pretty sure Tavros is asleep anyway if that is what you are worried about.” 

You hesitate a moment longer. “Would you rather sleep on the couch then Gam? I don’t really think that is going to make anything better in the morning.” 

You sigh defeated and let Karkat pull you into the bedroom. When you start to turn towards your bunk Karkat tugs your arm. When you look at him confused he gestures to his bed then whispers softly. “You can barely walk Gam, I don’t think attempting to climb into your bunk is such a good idea.” 

You suppose he is right.You follow him to his bed and he makes you get in first. You lay with your back against the wall as he curls up beside you. His body is warm beside you and he starts to purr as you wrap your arms around him holding him close. You feel comforted, you aren’t sure how you would have gotten through this without him. Even though he wasn’t there for you earlier you know he wished he had been. You sniffle a bit and he softly shooshes you. You cry silently and he comforts you until you both fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy I’m back bitches

It is a struggle for you to sleep throughout the night, you are envious of Karkat who is softly snoring beside you. Your whole body hurts and every time you move it just makes it worse. You think you have managed to sleep at least a couple hours but now it seems impossible for you to continue, every time you close your eyes to try to sleep you just get flashes of what happened yesterday. You heave a tired sigh and the air stings your tongue. You could really go for some water except you know that moving would hurt, drinking would probably hurt, and to top it off the water would probably just taste like char considering your potentially stupid idea of cauterizing your tongue wound. You don’t know which was worse, the taste of charred flesh or the taste of blood. Either way shit sucks. 

After a few more minutes of watching Karkat sleep you decide you really want to get up. As cute as Karkat is while he sleeps you really can’t stand the idea of watching him drool onto his pillow for however many hours it is until morning. You take a deep breath, bracing for the pain that will undoubtedly come, then you slowly try to sit up. The pain in your ribs is immediate and sharp and leaves you gasping. You bite your lip hard to keep from making any noise as you glance down at Karkat making sure you didn’t wake him up. He’s still softly snoring, good. You really don’t want to bother him right now, he worries about you enough as it is and he deserves to rest. 

You take a few ragged breaths trying to prepare yourself for the hard part. You’ve gotta get around Karkat to get out of the bed. From where you are sitting it almost feels like an impossible task and yet you still want to just get up. And so you oh so carefully, only allowing yourself to hiss softly in pain, manage to maneuver around Karkat and get out of the bed. The pain is agonizing and it takes all your strength to keep silent as you struggle to breathe. You lean slightly against the frame of the bunkbed for support for what feels like an eternity until you get your breathing under control. Finally you slowly make your way to the bedroom door and exit the room into the lounge area. Every step is still painful but thankfully no where near as bad as it was getting out of the bed. 

You manage to make your way over to the little kitchen and very carefully manage to pour yourself a glass of water. You hesitate a bit looking down at the water. You are super thirsty but your previous worries rise up again. You sigh a bit defeated, you wish you at least had a straw or something, anything really that could help bypass the fucked up tip of your tongue but as it happens you’ve got nothing. Knowing you’ll have to drink eventually you take a small sip of the water and immediately regret it. The taste is about as bad as you anticipated but the pain shocks you and you choke a bit. Coughing is agony and the pain knocks you to your fucking knees. You struggle to put an end to your coughing, anything to stop the pain. You are trembling uncontrollably and the next thing you know you are crying and you can’t fucking stop. Everything is so painful and a wave of despair washes over you. 

You vaguely hear the door behind you open and close, then soft footsteps padding up to you. Someone kneels next to you and somewhat hesitantly places their hand on your back. You curl further into yourself unable to stop your sobbing. You try to get it together but you just can’t. Whoever is next to you just reassuringly rubs your back as you cry. You don’t know how long you kneel there sobbing but eventually your sobs turn to soft occasional whimpers and sniffles. Finally you look up to whoever is next to you expecting it to be Karkat but no, it’s Tavros. You manage a weak and slurred: “‘m s-sorry..”

Tavros is looking at you with eyes overflowing with pity and worry. You quickly look away from him, instead choosing to look at the tiled floor. You don’t feel like you deserve his pity. It seems to take Tavros a moment to decipher what you said but he eventually gets it. “O-oh uh, you’re okay Gamzee, uh, you don’t have to uh, apologize.” 

You shake your head slightly then search your pockets for your phone. You know you cannot vocalize what you mean so you need to type it out but your phone is not in your pockets. You must have put it on Karkat’s nightstand or something. You sigh. “Your pho…” 

You growl in frustration, you can’t make n sounds. You mime the actions of using a phone and thankfully Tavros seems to get what you want quickly. “Oh, you need a phone? Uh, here’s mine I guess.” 

He unlocks his phone and hands it to you. You quickly navigate to notes to type what you need to say. “I’m sorry if I woke you up, you can go back to sleep, I’ll be ok.”

You hand the phone back to him so he can read your message. “Uh, well frankly I uh never went to sleep.” You glance over at him and he is blushing slightly looking a bit embarrassed. “I was uh, worried about you so I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to uh, make you feel weird though. But uh, I-I don’t really believe you are uh ok, and I don’t appreciate uh, you lying about that. You sound like you are uh, in a lot of pain and while I am um, not your moirail, nor do I want to be um obviously, I still want you to know I am here for you.” 

You look back down to the tiled floor to avoid looking at him, your eyes burning with unshed tears again. After a moment he passes his phone back to you no doubt wanting to know what you are thinking. Reluctantly you type another message. “I’m sorry you pity a fucked up freak like me who can’t even speak properly, I don’t deserve your pity. I’m a motherfucking fuckup and I deserved everything that happened to me.”

Ah dammit, you are crying again as you pass the phone back to Tavros. You stare down at the blurry tiled floor, refusing to look at Tavros even when he gasps slightly at what he reads. “No!” 

You shrink away from him at his angry tone, you’ve never really heard him sound angry like that before. Noticing your reaction Tavros softens his tone. “I’m sorry Gamzee, but uh, you don’t uh, get to decide if you deserve my pity or not. I decide that, not uh, you. A-And uh, I don’t really know what happened to um, to you, but uh, I can’t imagine uh, any reason anyone should have hurt you.” He sniffles a bit then continues.

“But uh, I don’t care if you can’t really speak, you can uh, obviously still communicate with me. So um, we can work on it okay?” 

Silently you continue to stare down at the tiled floor, you notice the floor is wet, you must have dropped the cup of water earlier. “Gamzee…. Please look at me.” 

You hesitate then follow Tavros’s soft command and look at him. He has a few tear-streaks going down his face and you are hit with a pang of guilt. You didn’t mean to hurt him. Slowly, as if he might startle you, he raises his hand to your face and wipes away your tears. “Ok, uh, if it is ok with you, can we move over to the couch maybe?” 

You watch his eyes search your face, his gaze stopping at every visible bruise on your face till it reaches the bruising around your neck. Your heart aches at the pain written all over his face. “Maybe you can let me uh, look at your wounds. Um, maybe there’s something I can do to help?”

You doubt that, but you are too tired to really argue with him, nor does he offer you his phone to allow you to do so. You look over to the couch, realistically you know it's not far but it feels as though it’s miles away. You sigh a little. “Uh, don’t worry I’ll uh, try to help. I don’t uh, mean to cause you more pain but I think the couch would be more comfortable for you.”

You nod weakly and watch as he stands up so easily, it makes you a bit envious. He somewhat awkwardly offers you his hands to help you stand up. You take his hands and slowly and painfully stand up. You breathing is ragged by the time you make it over to the couch and sitting back down was almost as painful as standing. Tavros of course was by your side guiding you the whole way but even he can’t erase your pain. Tavros sits beside you allowing you to catch your breath before bothering you. Tavros, a bit more assertively than you anticipated, starts lifting the hem of your shirt only stopping when he hears your breath hitch. “Oh uh, sorry, I should’ve asked. Um, is this ok?”

You hesitate a bit, but nod and allow him to take your shirt the rest of the way off. Your face heats a bit as his eyes rove across your naked torso. You look away from him somewhat self-conscious, this isn’t really a situation where you ought to be self-conscious but you can’t help it. You flinch as his hand touches your side. His hand is warm against your cooler skin, it’s soft and feels pleasant. If this were any other time you’d probably be ecstatic honestly, but at this moment it makes you feel a bit queasy. His hand drifts up a bit further and lightly brushes against one of your grub scars making you shiver. He murmurs a soft apology and his hand drifts down instead, away from the sensitive area. However your discomfort grows again as you feel his hand stop at your hip and you hear his breath hitch. You look over to see what caught his attention there. This whole time you’ve tried to avoid looking at yourself so you are shocked by how battered and bruised you are. 

Your sides are splotched black and purple looking as painful as it feels. You also never noticed that you have various cuts on your body, you don’t recall them happening but to be fair, a lot was going on. But most prominently, right where Tavros’s hand had stopped, were handprint shaped bruises on your hips. A whimper escapes you at the sight and you have to look away, your eyes burn with tears once again and you struggle to breathe evenly. “Oh Gamzee…”

His voice is full of understanding and it makes you feel sick. Of all the people to know the specifics about what happened, you wanted him to know the least. He must understand now that you are used, broken, dirty. Once again tears slip down your face and you struggle to keep from hyperventilating, the pain in your ribs sharp and stabbing. A choked whimper is all you can manage as Tavros gently slips his arms around you holding you against him in a comforting embrace. You cling to him as you desperately try to calm yourself down. The feeling of him, so warm and inviting, is so at odds of those who had hurt you. He comforts you until you calm down once again. You wish you weren’t such a mess, you really didn’t want Tavros to think you are such a cry grub. “Hey um, Gamzee? Is it uh, okay if I get up and grab some stuff?”

You sniffle a bit and nod before shifting away a bit to allow him space to get up. He gets up and heads back in to the bedroom for a few moments before returning with a first aid kit and a blanket. You cock your head and look at the blanket a bit confused. “Oh uh, I figured uh, we could watch tv or something but uh, it gets a bit chilly so I brought the blanket. Um, anyway before I dress your injuries or anything I was thinking that um, Rose mentioned getting some high strength pain killers from uhh, her mom for emergencies and uh, this could qualify as one so, I was gonna go ask her for some okay?” 

You shrug and gesture towards his phone as he walks over. He places the blanket down beside you and the first aid kit on the coffee table before handing you the phone. “While that sounds good Tav, I really don’t think I could manage to down any motherfuckin pills right now.”   
“Yeah, I uh, guess you had trouble drinking before.” He glances at the water on the floor.

Your face heats a bit and you nod before typing out another response. “Yeah, drinking was more painful than I expected. Maybe if I had a motherfuckin straw or somethin I could make it work but we don’t have any.” 

“I could uh, see if they have one while I’m uh, there?” 

You shrug again but he seems to have made up his mind. “Just uh, wait here, I’ll be right back.” 

He leaves the suite and you are left with your thoughts. Everything still feels really bleak to you but you are glad of course that both Karkat and Tavros are still with you, supporting you. Karkat was a given but you were worried about whether Tavros was going to feel differently about you knowing what happened. You gather that Tavros, after seeing those bruises, has a good idea about what happened at least in part. Honestly you can’t help but wonder what he thinks about it all, but asking him would require admitting that you were in fact assaulted. You sigh, this is all exhausting and confusing. 

You hear the door open and look over to see that Tavros has returned. He smiles broadly and presents both a bottle of pills and a straw. You can’t help but to chuckle and he seems so excited it makes your heart melt. He sets the pill bottle and straw down before getting you another glass of water. Cup in hand he returns to the couch and sits next to you. He hands you the cup and grabs the pill bottle. He opens it and retrieves two pills. You grab the straw and hesitantly take an experimental sip of water. The straw itself hurts when it touches your tongue but the act of drinking definitely is easier. “Do you think you’ll uh, be able to take the pills then?” 

You nod, it may be a bit difficult but at least with the ability to drink something you think you can manage. He hands you the pills and you manage to take them with only a minor amount of pain and discomfort. Tavros looks relieved. “Good, hopefully they will uh, kick in fast so you aren’t um, in too much pain.” 

He grabs the first aid kit and opens it grabbing disinfectant wipes, antibiotics, and bandages. “I uh, was thinking I can um, take care of all the cuts and stuff. Then um, I think either heat or uh, cold can help with uh, your ribs.” 

He pulls out both a heat pack and a cold compress. You don’t particularly want to be cold so you point to the heat pack and he nods putting the cold compress away. He, as gently as he possibly can, cleans and bandages up all the cuts he can see on your arms or torso. You don’t know if you have any cuts or injuries on your legs or elsewhere but he seems to understand that you’d probably be unwilling to remove your pants so he doesn’t ask you too. Once your visible wounds are dressed he takes the heat pack and heats it up using the microwave, then he returns to you and gently presses it against your side earning a soft hiss from you. Though the pain is definitely reduced because of the pain killers it is still quite sore. He murmurs a soft apology and you nod. 

The heat does eventually help though and finally for the first time on this night you feel almost pain free. Tavros turns the TV on and drapes the blanket over the two of you before snuggling up against you. You slide your arm around him holding him gently against you, it’s not exactly ideal as he is pressing against your side and it's a bit painful but the painkillers have made it bearable so you accept the pain. The two of you sit in silence for a while, you think that neither of you are really paying attention to whatever is playing on the TV, some murder documentary you think, you are too focused on the feeling of him against you. You feel all tingly, but also a bit tense and anxious. You aren’t sure what you should do. 

You are so caught up in thinking what you should or shouldn’t be doing that it catches you by surprise when you feel his hand trail across your chest. Your breath hitches for a second and you look over at him but he’s still watching the TV. At first his touch seems innocent, just staying on your chest. But then his hand drifts near your side and his thumb brushes up against your grub scars. You shiver at the touch, it’s a pleasurable feeling but also it makes you a bit nervous and nauseous. As if judging your reaction and deeming it positive enough he more intently rubs his thumb against your grub scars. You look back towards him to protest but then the next thing you know is that his mouth is against yours as he kisses you.

You of course melt into the kiss, how could you not if it’s Tavros kissing you. You are so full of conflicting emotions, on one hand this is what you want, Tavros is sitting here kissing you so he must still feel red for you! Right? But on the other hand while the feeling of his hands against you is fantastic, miraculous even, but it also feels wrong. You want it to feel right but everything feels wrong, how can you sit here with Tav’s hands touching you when only mere hours ago someone else… You don’t want to continue that thought. 

Tavros trails kisses from your mouth down to your neck and you can feel heat rising to your face especially when he lightly nips your neck drawing a soft sound from you. He runs his hands back over your grub scars making you squirm, the dulled pain from the movement intermingled with the pleasure making it almost… better? It definitely makes you feel a whole lotta somethin’. You hear him chuckle softly before he peppers more little kisses along your neck. His hand finally leaves your sensitive grub scars and it drifts downwards, down from your side to your stomach then down furth- you grab his wrist stopping his southward progression, his fingers stopping just above the waistband of your pants. 

He looks up at you, his beautiful brown eyes are full not of uncertainty but of determination. Saying nothing he kisses you again, muffling your whimper of protest. The kiss is gentle, not forceful, yet it contains a silent order, no, request maybe, which after a bit of hesitation you obey and let go of his wrist. You don’t really know why you obey, maybe it’s because he’s never been so assertive before, maybe it’s because you are all broken up inside, or maybe because you know he wouldn’t hurt you. His hand, now free to do as he pleases, slides under the waistband of your pants. His hand while warm on your chest feels a bit cold contrasted by the emanating heat along your hips. 

Finally, finally, his fingertips brush against your semi emerging bulge and a nervous whine exits your throat. If your face could burst into flame now would be the time that’s how hard you feel like you must be blushing. Tav just smiles that adorable smile of his except his usual innocence seems replaced with mischief then rests his head against your shoulder, a bit awkwardly with his horns, and returns to feigning watching the TV. All the while his hands wreak havoc on any composure you have left as he teases your bulge into emerging fully. It wraps around his hand as he toys with the base making you shiver with pleasure. Ok maybe this is fine, he’s not touching you where everything hurts. 

He plays with you leisurely, slow and teasing, definitely not in a hurry to get anywhere. You are definitely struggling to not make any noise but it's nearly impossible to control your ragged breathing and you think he’s enjoying making you squirm. Your breathing hitches every time his fingers brush over the particularly sensitive underside of your bulge. He looks up at you with a cheeky little grin and you can’t help but to gently grab his face and kiss him. This kiss unlike the last one is full of desperation on your part, this need to touch him, to kiss him, is consuming. He returns this kiss readily enough, it feels like he’s smiling against your mouth even. This feeling is intoxicating, that is until two of his fingers slip down and slide into your slick nook. 

You gasp and let out a choked whimper, you were not expecting him to just go for it. He surprises you yet again by biting your neck, both actions are painful, albeit dully. The bite surprises you in more ways than one, of course you didn’t expect it, and it's also a very territorial action and not something you expected of Tav. You let out a pitiful, even for you, whine. While you don’t particularly mind the bite, the feel of his fingers inside of you is uncomfortable. He shushes you and kisses the bite mark he left on your neck. You huff a bit as his fingers shift inside of you, seemingly searching for something. 

“Hold on” He murmurs softly as if knowing you were about to push him away. You grumble half heartedly, you’ll allow him just a moment more before you well and truly can handle no more of this. But he barely needs a moment before he finds what he was seeking, his fingers brush along the upper walls of your nook until he finds the most sensitive spot inside of you. You gasp and your bulge squeezes his wrist most definitely confirming that he’s found the right spot. He chuckles, sounding pleased by your reaction. 

“Better?”

He rubs the spot intently, earning a soft moan from you in response. You hear his breath hitch at the sound and it's as if a switch had been flipped. Now he seems determined to draw as many noises from you as possible and despite your best efforts to be quiet he is definitely succeeding. You are glad now of the TV being on as it is mostly masking any noises you make from potential unwanted listeners. At least you hope so. You lift his chin in order to kiss him again, his face is tinged with an orange-brown flush of color and you can feel the heat emanating from his face as you kiss him. You slide your hand up to the side of his head and gently rub the base of one of his horns and you feel him shiver. Your breathing becomes more ragged the closer and closer you come to—- Suddenly he stops with a gasp. 

With record speed his fingers exit your nook and he distangles his hand from your bulge. You whine with confusion wondering why he stopped. But then you hear it, footsteps from the bedroom and the unmistakable voice of Karkat. Tavros damn near scoots a whole foot away from you just as the door slams open and a disheveled panicked Karkat enters the lounge. He looks visibly relieved as soon as he sees you and you quickly school your face into tired innocence. “Gamzee don’t scare me like that!” 

He goes off on a rant about safety or whatever, you aren’t paying attention. You’re still processing what was just happening not a minute earlier. You glance over at Tavros and watch as he, with Karkat paying no attention, licks his fingers and smiles mischievously. Motherfuck.


End file.
